This is a religious rant... I know most of you don't share my religious beliefs, so don't feel obligated to respond. I'm not trying to debate Christianity or anything else, but just to get this off my chest. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm really struggling over the issue of conversion. Well, I'm not really struggling- I've got an opinion already. However, I feel the need to struggle with it and I've decided to let Malachi (who is by for the more religious and more levelheaded of the two of us) decide what our family does. For those unfamiliar with this issue as it relates to Messianic Judaism (or with Messianic Judaism in general) here's a quick overview:
Messianic Judaism is basically made up of three different factions- Messianic Jewry, One Law Messianics and Two House Messianics.
Messianic Jewry is exactly what it sounds like- Jews who believe that Yeshua is the Messiah. They still practive Judaism just like all other religious Jews. Like mainstream Judaism, they believe that Judaism (Torah obserance, holy days, etc.) is for Jews and don't really attempt to encourage gentiles to participate. They follow the rabbinical halacha, just as any other Jew would.
One Law Messianics are those who believe that anyone who follows Yeshua (Jesus) ought to be Torah observant (although most seasoned believers don't try to push that on other people). This is regardless of ethnicity or anything else. Usually this group has respect for traditional Judaism and rabbinical authority, however they may or may not adhere to traditions or oral torah.
Two House Messianics believe that the Christian church is primarily made up of the lost tribes of Israel. Therefore because most Christians are Israelites, they should be Torah observant. By and large this group is also anti-rabbinical/anti-Judaism and leans toward a Karaite perspective. They are largely made up of ex-Pentecostal Christians (which is evident if you talk to them).
Malachi and I are One Law. We also adhere to the rabbinical authority. Our preference for practice is basically identical to Conservative Judaism. We have had no luck finding a congreagtion that is One Law and practices Judaism. We're been to over 20 congregations and there's nothing worthwhile for us anywhere. The place we've been going is full of very nice people but they're forcefully Two House and purposely want to stick it to Judaism by rabbi-trashing, casuallly using The Name and by intentionally breaking halachich rules because they believe they can.
So Malachi and I went congregation hunting. We found a lot of other blah places and finally a gem- a synagogue, staffed by a rabbi, where they use the Artscroll siddur, speak Hebrew and *gasp* uphold halacha! We were thrilled. However, they're not of the belief that everyone ought to keep Torah. Well, at first we just let it go and kept living how we felt was right for us, but then we had Ziva. Now we have a problem, because although we are as observant as any Jew in the synagogue we aren't Jews, which will mean Ziva won't get a bat mitzah and neither will any of our other future kids. That's not okay by me. If my kids are Torah observant and living religious lives, they shouldn't get shafted from bar or bat mitzvahs.
So the rabbi suggests we convert. Convert to what exactly? Well, Messianic Judaism, if you can believe that. Hmm... I thought we were practicing Messianic Judaism already. Well, we are, but we aren't Messianic Jews (of course) we're gentiles.
Their positon is that gentiles just have to be Christians and Jews have to be Messianic and Torah observant. So Ziva can't be a daughter of the commandments because, well, she doesn't have any commandments to fulfill. It really pisses me off.
I get Judaism's purpose in doing this. It's a halachich stanndard designed to protect the faith and the people. However, the NT seems pretty clear that there is no "Jew or gentile" and that the wall of partition is broken down.
Here's my deal- in the Tanakh where conversion pushers get their ammo, there was no option but to convert. The Hebrews had the Torah and monotheism and if you wanted on board you had pack up and move with them. You couldn't just say a prayer and sign up for the newsletter. Either you were Israel (and thereby a covenant member) or you weren't. And being Israel meant being religious and Torah observant. You wouldn't have some immigrant strolling down the street with a cart selling tamales. There wouldn't be some schulb doing animals and whatnot in the middle of everything. You obey, you leave or you die. Welcome to a theocracy.
Today, there is no Israeli theocracy. There are more secular Jews than religious ones and Messianic Jewry is at most 5-10% of the total. Being a Jew no more means being Torah obserant than being a gentile means being a pagan. Sure, there are cases, but you can no longer have that expectation of the masses. So why do I have to become a Jew? What am I proving and to whom? And why is it that a secular Jew could bounce into the shul at age 12 and get religious and get a bar mitzvah the following year, but my daughter who will have been practicing Judaism since birth will get robbed of a bat mitzvah (should she choose to continue in it as an adult)? Ethnicity no longer means anything.
So what am I doing with a conversion? Am I converting so I can do Torah? No. I'm already doing Torah. Am I converting so I can follow Yeshua? No. The NT plainly states that gentiles are welcome to folow him. Am I converting so I will be accepted into Judaism? HAHAHAHA. No. So why am I converting? So my SYNAGOGUE will accept my kids. I am converting so Ziva can proudly get up at age 12 and become a daughter of the commandments. So my kids won't have to sit in the shul watching everyone else get bar and bat mitzahs and get jack shit. Apparently, my synagogue has higher standards than G-d.
You know, it would make sense if I believed that gentiles got to skate past the Torah. It would make sense if I were moving to Israel. But like this? No way. It would be like me applying for French citizenship. Am I moving to France? No. But I want to be able to eat French food, celebrate Bastile Day and shower less. Well here's a blessing- you can do that without being a French citizen, so why would you give up your current citizenship for nothing?
On top of the fact that I don't have to, I believe thant gentiles have a role in the kingdom. Wouldn't I be forfeiting my role by converting?
Anyway, I'm pissed off about this whole thing. If we gentiles aren't good enough we shouldn't be allowed to participate in anything else. If we're good enough to come every week, to celebrate the holy days, to study with, etc. why are we cut out of this thing? It's crap. They should've check our ethnicities at the door and escorted us out from the start.
And meanwhile Madonna celebrated Rosh Hashanah in Israel with Shimon Peres.
And the 10 days of Awe are upon us and I'm so damn mad I don't want to go back to the synagogue.
"For Your Name signifies Your praise: hard to anger and easy to appease, for You do not wish the death of one deserving death, but that he repent from his way and live. Until the day of his death You await him; if he repents You will accept him immediately.
"It is true that You are their Creator and You know their inclination, for they are flesh and blood. A man's origin is from dust and his destiny is back to dust, at risk of his life he earns his bread; he is likened to a broken shard, withering grass, a fading flower, a passing shade, a dissipating cloud, a blowing wind, flying dust, and a fleeting dream.
"But You are the King, the Living and Enduring G-d."There is no set span to Your years and there is no end to the length of Your days. It is impossible to estimate the angelic chariots of Your glory and to elucidate Your Name's inscrutability. Your Name is worthy of You and You are worthy of Your Name, and You have included Your Name in our name.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Another Blog About Ziva
Ziva's almost 11 weeks old now. In some ways I can't believe she's more than 2 months old, but in other ways it feels like we've had her forever. She's 16 pounds now, and 25 inches long. She's wearing 3-6 and 6-9 month clothes now. She's a beast. She's got the fattest thighs, cheeks and chin(s) ever, but in actuality, she's pretty much solid. She's not like some Maury Show obese baby, but she's pretty muscular and stocky. It looks like she inherited my bulky build. Hopefully, she didn't inherit my lazy metabolism...
Nursing is a wash, but I'm trying to keep my supply up so we can ditch the formula (by and large) and exclusively pump. A very generous mom from MDC is giving me an electric pump, so that will make life easier. I'm bummed about it, but I'm kind of tired of feeling like crap over it, so I'm trying to get used to doing the next best thing. We did have some (extreeeeeemely) mild success t getting her to try the breast shield again, but I'm keeping my expectations dirt low, so I don't get disappointed of ticked off if she doesn't ever want to nurse.
We FINALLY started cloth diapering. I've been feeling guilty about not doing that, especially when she got BAD diaper rash a couple of weeks ago. I don't know how I'm going to keep up with laundry, but I guess we'll figure it out. She looks adorable in cloth diapers.
My sister Hannah (aka Moriah) came to visit for a week. We had a good time. She helped out a lot with Ziva and even slept with her last night... Mal and I had forgotten what it feels like to sleep through the night and without a nightlight! It was amazing. Also, since Mal and Ziva both sleep on their backs with their arms and legs all over the place I usually have to squish into a little strip of bed with one leg, one arm and one butt cheeks hanging off. Last night I slept on my stomach with ALL OF MY BODY on the bed. It felt heavenly.
Ayways, "she's still Hannah," as Malachi put it, but I think she'll do alright. She's 18 and in a lot of ways, still acts like the giddy, scatterbrained, superficial teenager that I've known, but I think she's wanting to do some growing up. She's going to move here in Sept and start school to be a dental assistant. I think living here, paying for her own stuff, working and being thousands of miles from Mom will help her.
So, back to Ziva... She's very happy- always smiling and laughing. And she's very independent. She isn't interested in cuddling anymore () but just wants to be helped to sit up or stand up, or held over the shoulder so she can see everything. Our synagogue has a walker in the nursery and when we put her in it she went nuts. She was so happy and started moving her feet and trying to move. The walker was too heavy for her, so I pushed her whenever she made a walking motion with her feet and she was in heaven.
I credit attachment parenting for some of her independence and happiness, as things seems to be going so well with the techniques we're using. I know everyone does things differently, but this is working out well for us. She a sweet baby and very easy going, and the AP stuff we're doing just seems to make it better. She's loves sleeping with us and being with us. Her face lights up when we interact with her. I can tell she feels loved and safe with us.
She's holding her head up like a pro and getting a lot better at keeping her torso up too. She's grabbing things and putting them in her mouth and making lots of noises. She makes this gurgling "guuuuh" sound all the time- it's her favorite- and lots of little syllables with "ahh" in them.She likes having "conversations" with people where she makes a noise and they repeat it. Loads of fun.
Anyhow, other than being flat broke and exhausted, thigs are going well for us. Hopefully, with Malachi finishing school and externship in 2 months, he'll be making more money and with Moriah moving in, I ought to be ble to work a bit more, so things will get a little less ugly financially.
The end.
K
Nursing is a wash, but I'm trying to keep my supply up so we can ditch the formula (by and large) and exclusively pump. A very generous mom from MDC is giving me an electric pump, so that will make life easier. I'm bummed about it, but I'm kind of tired of feeling like crap over it, so I'm trying to get used to doing the next best thing. We did have some (extreeeeeemely) mild success t getting her to try the breast shield again, but I'm keeping my expectations dirt low, so I don't get disappointed of ticked off if she doesn't ever want to nurse.
We FINALLY started cloth diapering. I've been feeling guilty about not doing that, especially when she got BAD diaper rash a couple of weeks ago. I don't know how I'm going to keep up with laundry, but I guess we'll figure it out. She looks adorable in cloth diapers.
My sister Hannah (aka Moriah) came to visit for a week. We had a good time. She helped out a lot with Ziva and even slept with her last night... Mal and I had forgotten what it feels like to sleep through the night and without a nightlight! It was amazing. Also, since Mal and Ziva both sleep on their backs with their arms and legs all over the place I usually have to squish into a little strip of bed with one leg, one arm and one butt cheeks hanging off. Last night I slept on my stomach with ALL OF MY BODY on the bed. It felt heavenly.
Ayways, "she's still Hannah," as Malachi put it, but I think she'll do alright. She's 18 and in a lot of ways, still acts like the giddy, scatterbrained, superficial teenager that I've known, but I think she's wanting to do some growing up. She's going to move here in Sept and start school to be a dental assistant. I think living here, paying for her own stuff, working and being thousands of miles from Mom will help her.
So, back to Ziva... She's very happy- always smiling and laughing. And she's very independent. She isn't interested in cuddling anymore () but just wants to be helped to sit up or stand up, or held over the shoulder so she can see everything. Our synagogue has a walker in the nursery and when we put her in it she went nuts. She was so happy and started moving her feet and trying to move. The walker was too heavy for her, so I pushed her whenever she made a walking motion with her feet and she was in heaven.
I credit attachment parenting for some of her independence and happiness, as things seems to be going so well with the techniques we're using. I know everyone does things differently, but this is working out well for us. She a sweet baby and very easy going, and the AP stuff we're doing just seems to make it better. She's loves sleeping with us and being with us. Her face lights up when we interact with her. I can tell she feels loved and safe with us.
She's holding her head up like a pro and getting a lot better at keeping her torso up too. She's grabbing things and putting them in her mouth and making lots of noises. She makes this gurgling "guuuuh" sound all the time- it's her favorite- and lots of little syllables with "ahh" in them.She likes having "conversations" with people where she makes a noise and they repeat it. Loads of fun.
Anyhow, other than being flat broke and exhausted, thigs are going well for us. Hopefully, with Malachi finishing school and externship in 2 months, he'll be making more money and with Moriah moving in, I ought to be ble to work a bit more, so things will get a little less ugly financially.
The end.
K
Friday, May 4, 2007
Boobs, Etc.
I'm borrowing a $500 electric breast pump and I finally got my milk in! I've been seeing a lactation consultant and we've been doing things to trick Ziva into nursing. I've been pumping milk, putting it in a syringe with a long tube and slipping it into her mouth while she nurses since she can't be bothered to try if the milk doesn't come instantly. She is sooooo lazy when it comes to nursing! I rue the day they gave her that bottle. If I had known how tough that would make it I would've asked them to feed her with a dropper or something.
Another trick I learned was to squirt a little sugar water into her mouth, lead her to the breast and then squirt a little on the mipple right before she starts up. She thinks she's getting koolaid, but it's really just milk. I didn't think I'd have to trick her into eating.... I'm glad she's getting off the formula and that I'm at least physically able to nurse, but I'm looking forward to being able to nurse without using all the gimicks!!
Ziva's dropped a little weight since she's not getting her food pumped directly into her body. She's down to about 9 pounds 8 ounces, but the Drs. say she's still healthy and doing fine. She's been having bouts of incessant crying that last anywhere from 5-20 minutes but seem like an eternity. I think she's adjusting to being outside the womb and it's taking time for her to get used to everything. Mal and I can't wait until that period is over with!
She started to become aware of her surroundings a bit. When we lay down together she'll stare at our faces, which is good. She seems to be doing well!
I am totally exhausted, however. I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night since she's been here and now that she's gotten fissy in the evenings, I don't get to nap with her then either. Malachi goes back to work Monday... I don't know how I'm going to manage her alone. It's very overwhelming. Blah.
Well, we've been taking more pics all week. I'll try to post some soon, since Malachi is on baby duty for a bit!
Kristi
Another trick I learned was to squirt a little sugar water into her mouth, lead her to the breast and then squirt a little on the mipple right before she starts up. She thinks she's getting koolaid, but it's really just milk. I didn't think I'd have to trick her into eating.... I'm glad she's getting off the formula and that I'm at least physically able to nurse, but I'm looking forward to being able to nurse without using all the gimicks!!
Ziva's dropped a little weight since she's not getting her food pumped directly into her body. She's down to about 9 pounds 8 ounces, but the Drs. say she's still healthy and doing fine. She's been having bouts of incessant crying that last anywhere from 5-20 minutes but seem like an eternity. I think she's adjusting to being outside the womb and it's taking time for her to get used to everything. Mal and I can't wait until that period is over with!
She started to become aware of her surroundings a bit. When we lay down together she'll stare at our faces, which is good. She seems to be doing well!
I am totally exhausted, however. I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night since she's been here and now that she's gotten fissy in the evenings, I don't get to nap with her then either. Malachi goes back to work Monday... I don't know how I'm going to manage her alone. It's very overwhelming. Blah.
Well, we've been taking more pics all week. I'll try to post some soon, since Malachi is on baby duty for a bit!
Kristi
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Birth Story and Update
Malachi and I welcomed our daughter Ziva at 11:15pm April 27th! She was 4 FULL WEEKS past her due date! Ziva was 10 pounds, 1 ounch and 21 inches long. Her head was a whopping 13 3/4 around!I started having regular contrax at midnight on Thursday. I was up all night with them. Friday morning I had some serious bloody show and the contrax got stronger and longer. By the time DH got home at about 4 they were getting painful. I labored all over the house for several hours and finally at about 8:30 pm my waters started to leak and finaly broke. My body started pushing at about 9 pm but the contrax died down and I had a hard time pushing Ziva out. The back labor got to be so bad that I felt completely drained. Ziva's head crowned at around 10:45 but with no contrax and after more than 20 hours of labor I couldn't get her out. Malachi called 911 and the operator coached us. He had me get on my back and put his hands around Ziva's head to help her out. The paramedics arrived at about 11:05 and held my legs open and yelled for me to push. I could feel myself tearing and by now I was screaming like a banshee. Ziva finally came out all in one big push. She wasn't breathing well at first and the paramedics gave her oxygen. They immediately cut her cord, which I wasn't pleased about and started pushing on my tummy to get the placenta out. That sucked, but I delivered the placenta a few minutes later. We went to the hospital and Ziva was in perfect shape. I however have a 4th degree tear. The doctor said it looke dlike a bomb went off in my vagina. I had surgery and they kept us overnight.Malachi was amazing! He was wonderful! He rubbed my back through ALL the labor and was really encouraging. He wiped my butt when I pooed during labor and came home and cleaned everything up when it was over. For someone who was initially nervous about birthing at home he was fabulous! Even though we ended up at the hospital, it was a great experience. We had our homebirth and when emergency arose we were able to get help quickly. In my mind, it worked out exactly as it was designed to. The paramedics were quick and efficient and although I didn't like that they cut the cord, forced the placenta out or kept Ziva away from me until we got in the ambulence- plus one of them had the nerve to say "Home delivery is for pizza only. Next time go to a hospital.," -they get helped me find the strength to birth Ziva and gave her the help she needed after the birth.
Ziva and I are now working on nursing. She was given formula from a bottle at the hospital and now she's too lazy latch on a draw the milk out from the breast. We're seeing a lactaction consultant and trying to come up with ways to coax her into latching on and staying put.
She's sleeping well- she's only up 2-3 times during the night for attention and feedings. She's got a great personality and is easy to calm down when she gets agitated.
Maachi is great with her. She falls asleep right away when he holds her. I'm sure they're going to have a great relationship as time goes on. He'll be a wonderful father and I know she's going to be crazy about him.
I guess that's it in a nutshell. I'll try and get some more pics up soon and to post quasi-regular updates!
Kristi
Ziva and I are now working on nursing. She was given formula from a bottle at the hospital and now she's too lazy latch on a draw the milk out from the breast. We're seeing a lactaction consultant and trying to come up with ways to coax her into latching on and staying put.
She's sleeping well- she's only up 2-3 times during the night for attention and feedings. She's got a great personality and is easy to calm down when she gets agitated.
Maachi is great with her. She falls asleep right away when he holds her. I'm sure they're going to have a great relationship as time goes on. He'll be a wonderful father and I know she's going to be crazy about him.
I guess that's it in a nutshell. I'll try and get some more pics up soon and to post quasi-regular updates!
Kristi
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Baby Blog Collection
I haven't really been keeping a pregnancy journal or anything but I have been blogging/posting a bit at the MDC forum about trying to conceive, pregnancy and birth. I'm going to lump all of the good blogs/posts together so you all can enjoy and I can show this kid if s/he ever comes out...
4/3/06
I'm 24 and ttc #1. We've only been trying for a few months, but I've wanted children forever. I'm hoping to conceive soon so that we can have a baby by early 2007!
8/19/06
DH and I have been ttc for about 8.5 months. I've never been more than a day or two late on my periods, and about a month ago I just gave up. I stopped charting, checking fluids or hpting. This past week however, I started to feel a little crampy. This is typical the day before my period. Oddly enough, the cramps continued for a couple days with no period. I hadn't been keeping track of my cycle, so I'm not sure when I should have started, but my friend and I have the same cycle, and she just said goodbye to my period yesterday. I took a hpt three days ago and saw the faintest of faint lines indicating that I was pregnant. However, the line was so faint, I wasn't sure. I went to a pregnancy center for a test, but the woman who did it, only waited 30 seconds and then sent me home telling me it was negative. She told me the test could take 5 minutes to read! I took another hpt (same brand as before) today and got the same uberfaint line. Should I assume I'm pregnant? Should I retest with a different brand? Its driving me crazy!
8/20/07
I'm Pregnant!!!!!
9/15/06
I'm not doing anything different, except trying to cut back on the junk food and caffeine and drinking more water--- which I should have been doing before hand. I weigh myself occasionally and I suppose once I get to 20ish weeks I might by a fetoscope to see if I can hear a heartbeat. I've haven't done anything though yet. I don't even know how far along I am, or when exactly I'm due. Oh well. It keeps the stress at a minimum.
10/15/06
I'm planning on a homebirth, but if neccessary I'm prepared to go to a hospital. I'm going UC and thinking maybe a waterbirth? We'll see.So far, I'm not actually liking pregnancy. I've been sick non-stop, crabby, tired and blah. My uterus is growing and pushing other stuff around, but so far I don't look pregnant- just fatter. I'm just in the 2nd trimester, so I'm looking forward to these next few months!Dh and I had been ttc for many months. I was charting and temping and fluid-checking and all that. I finally gave up and decided I wasn't meant to get pg at that time. Well, that month I conceived. I was late and I resisted hptesting because I had been doing it every month and being disappointed, but I finally gave in. There was an itsy bitsy line, but I wasn't sure if it was a bfp or an evap line. I told DH we MIGHT be pregnant. (He had heard that one before.) I hpted again- same result and wen't to a clinic where the girl resolutely told me I was NOT pg. I went an bought an expensive early detection test and sure enough it was a lovely blue line. I wanted to test with the first morning urine and that morning I woke up at 3 am. So when I got the result I turned on the bedroom light and said look and shoved the stick in dh's face. He was like "What is that?" and I said we're pregnant! It was funny. He went right back to sleep but was really excited when he woke up in the morning.
10/16/06
For a girl we're planning on Ziva Inari. Ziva means brilliance in Hebrew and Inari means successful one in Japanese. For a boy we're going with Jaden Bryce. Jaden means God hears in Hebrew and Bryce means alert.. I don't remember the origin of that one though.I work as a counselor for a group home. I'm moving to WA in a couple days though and I'll be looking for work. I'm not sure what I'll find. I work about 20-30 hours a week now and I'm hoping to keep it at 20 once the baby is born. Ultimately I'd like to be a stay at home mom.
10/16/06
I do plan to CD. I've already add some to my registry! Lol.We're not going to do a lotus birth, but I do plan to wait quite a while to cut the cord. Dh is new to all this so if I'm easing him in bit by bit. I talked to him about a lotus birth and he was shocked. He had no idea people could do that. He scared that the placenta will smell and all that, so we'll pass on it this time. I'm not planning on having an ultrasound unless there is a problem that arises. We want to be surprised, so even if we do have one I don't think we'll ask to know the sex.
10/17/06
I can't wait to do all the stuff that comes with this- birth, teaching the child to walk, talk, read, cook, clean, grow up, drive- everything. I can't wait for the first steps, words, teeth, holidays, dates, kisses and sleepovers. I'm looking forward to the awe and wonder that a child has for the little things adults forget to be amazed by- animals, snow, sunsets, rain, silly songs, making cookies and riding a bike.I'm also worried that I'll fail somehow in my duties. I worry that I won't teach them everything they need to know, I won't explain my values or beliefs well enough, I won't discipline effectively, I won't give them enough space or I'll geive them too much. I'm worried that my kids won't like me, respect me, trust me, listen to me, talk to me, miss me when they go or want to leave at all. There is so much to do as a parent, and while I know so much of it just comes and goes without a thought, its a big change and a lot of things to think about now.I think my hormones are kicking in...
11/17/06
All I've heard is "Look how much weight you've put on!" "Be careful that you don't put on too much more weight." "Pregancy is harder if you put on too much weight."I'd kill for someone to assume I was pregnant. What's worse is that I haven't put on more than 5 or 10 pounds. All my inards are just sitting above my bellybutton making me look obese. *cry cry*
1/3/07
Well, in my own defense I found out that my baby is breech. The big fat head is making myelook obese by sitting above my bellybutton, while down near the bottom of my uterus, where I'm supposed to be big I've got nothing but a couple scrawny legs... Thanks a lot baby... If it's a boy I'm dressing him in pink for this...
1/5/07
I can't feel my baby moving. S/he is breech (and has been the whole time) and rarely even turns over in there. I thought at this stage I would be feeling him/her and have that connection, but I don't feel any movement and forget I'm pregnant half the time. That sucks.Health wise everything is fine. My morning sickness lasted for 5 months (which I was not expecting!) and I didn't gain much weight at all (which I also was not expecting!) I'm peeing a lot, which I planned for and sleeping a lot too. I'm totally in a nesting phase- baking and cleaning and shopping for baby stuff. It's cool. I can't wait to meet the baby though and I'm actually looking forward to experiencing birth in all its pain and pleasure.
3/9/07 (21 days pre-due date)
So midwife talked me into getting an ultrasound. I have resisted thus far, but she gave me no options. She said my stomach has such good muscle tone that she couldn't tell the position of the baby (breech or not). Since s/he's been breech for most of the time she was concerned. She tried sticking her fingers in, but the baby is still floating so that was no help.I had to go get the d*** u/s or she'd stop seeing me and refer me to a DR to get a c-section. Now, little does she know, but I'm not planning on calling her to the birth. I'm only seeing her now to make DH feel better.Anyhow, the u/s showed my baby is head down. I'm very glad, as I was having mixed feelings about forcing him/her to turn.The end.
3/13/07 (17 days pre-due date)
I'll try to make this brief:I'm 8.5 month pregnant with #1. I was doing a UP up until the en of the 6th month when I began seeing a midwife. I plan to UC, but possibly call the midwife after everything's over so she can check us out and get me a birth certificate. Everything's been great with the midwife up until now. She has been fine with me refusing to take certain tests, she's relatively AP, anti-vax and okay with minimal intereference. She also respects my religious beliefs and is willing to accommodate all my little oddities.So last week she said she couldn't feel if the baby was breech or not from the outside because of my "well-toned" stomach muscles.. I find this funny, since I'm fat and out of shape, but there it is. She tried to stick her finger in there but as I told her, the baby hasn't dropped and lo and behold she couldn't even touch the cervix. So she talked me into going in for a u/s which I had never had and feel VERY guilty about.This week I met with her assistant (they rotate weekly clinicals every week). She also couldn't tell the position of the baby externally either so she put her hand in there. She was so forceful that now, 2 hours later I still feel sore, but she couldn't reach it either. I told her that the baby hadn't dropped, and I know what it feels like when the baby flips and there had been no flipping in the past week. She told me to get another u/s which I refused. She said that I need to get a u/s every week until I have the baby so they can make sure the baby isn't breech.I can refuse, but she's so pushy about it it makes me angry. I'll have to see her very other week, which I do not want to do. I'm not going to have a weekly u/s. I'm not going to let the midwives shove their hands up into my body for no reason. I will know if the baby flips and from what I've read by week 38 (now) there is very little room for flipping anyways.I didn't plan to have either of them at the birth anyways, and now that I've had all the tests I plan to take and I know I'm healthy (good BP, not amenic, no diabetes, GBS-, etc.) I might just kiss them all goodbye. I love MY midwife, but I'm not going to cater to a bunch of stupid procedures and I don't want to deal with the other midwife. Should I just come in every other week so I don't have to see the midwife I don't like and keep refusing the tests, or should I just call it quits?
3/21/07 (9 days pre-due date)
My midwife can almost reach my cervix internally. Not comfortable, but at least now she can tell that the baby is head down without trying to send me in for u/s which I've been resisting. She says there is a chance the baby could go back to breech, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.My measurments have been right on par for the week all the way through, but now it looks like I'm measuring about 36 cm. I don't know what this means, but it's kinda weird. Hmm..No one is expecting me to have the baby until the first week of April (cry cry) but I'm reeeeeeally hoping the baby hurries up and gets outta there! I guess when they did my one evil u/s that's what it looked like. They put my EDD at April 6th by their measurents. We'll see though. Keep your fingers crossed that it happens a little sooner, as I'm getting reeeeally uncomfortable and sick of being pregnant! I want to meet my baby!!!
3/23/07 (7 days pre-due date)
I've been having some veeeeery mild BH contrax these past few days. Also, the baby is really running out of room and not happy about it!My maternity leave has now begun. I have 6 weeks. I really hope the baby isn't too late, as I don't want to sit around preggo the whole time! Hopefully I'll only be working 2-3 days a week for about 10-15 hours, so even once I go back it won't be too bad.I think I'm going to try some EPO and maybe nipple stimulation. I've heard those can help labor hurry up if my body's already thinking about it. I feel bad for baby because I feel him/her trying to get comfy in there but it takes forever since it's such a tight space. Plus, I think s/he wants to get back in breech but can't turn MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!I'd love to get this baby outta me now...
3/27/07 (3 days pre-due date)
You probably are getting tired of my boring updates, since nothing's really happening, but I figure I can use this for some pregnancy memories later.I had my midwife appt. today. They tried to make me go get an u/s but I refused. I met with the midwife I don't care for, but I guess the other midwife told her not to try sticking her hands or anything else in me, so that was good.I'm measuring at 36 inches and I still have a ton of movement. I've been having some super mild BH contrax and the creepy feeling that something is sinking down behind my pelvic bone. It's great. I'm so anxious, but okay with being late. My mom is hoping I have the baby on her birthday- 4/4. I'm staying positive about the timing and trying to remember that the baby will come out as soon as s/he's ready. I'm trying to enjoy 9-10 hours of uninterupted sleep at night and being able to watch 2 tv shows in a row if I feel like it.
3/27/07 (3 days pre-due date)
I'm 39w 4d and going nuts! I'm trying to enjoy being childless while it lasts, but I've been trying to have a baby for so long I can't hardly bear it. I want this baby outta me now!My midwife if predicting a 41+w birth... I think I may go insane.
3/31/07 (1 day post-due date)
So here's another uneventful update...The baby is reeeally low now... I think in the perfect position to get out of me! I'm not effaced or dillated or anything, but I have been having some mini-contrax of the BH variety. They're getting more frequent now.Also... this will sound weird but, does the baby push him/herself out using their feet? I keep feeling the baby pushing his/her feet super hard into my belly and then I feel the cervix stretching out as the head goes further down. Am I nuts?
4/5/07 (6 days post-due date)
So, I'm 40W6D today. I'm sick of not knowing what's going on. I don't know what these sensations I'm feeling are. Maybe contrax, maybe nothing at all. It's frustrating!My midwife is trying to talk my into getting my membranes stripped net week. I don't know how I feel about that. She's also preparing me to lie to the Drs. if and when I hit 42 weeks and I "have" to go in for a stress test and/or induction. I'll fake my own death and vanish into the mountains before I do in for any of those idiodic tests. Blah. My midwife is also trying to prepare me for the chance that I might not be able to get the baby out how I want to. She's afraid that in a pool she won't be able to get her hands in there... She thinks she's going to have the chance. She's also predicting that since I'm not singing with delight everytime she tries to shove her hands up into my cervix that I might not be able psychologically to open my legs and let the baby come out, which will injure him/her. Of course this all had to be said while DH is in the room (the 2nd time he's gone to one of my appts.) and now he's panicking again. She thinks she'll have to get me out of the tub and onto the bed and they'll all have to force my legs open to let the baby out dso I don't kill him/her. Great. Thanks for the image.I think if anything, all my discomfort stems from foreign objects and people entering in my body when they don't belong there. I can't imagine any reason that I won't be able to let my body work and produce a baby when the time is right if I don't have people hovering around, freaking me out and putting things in my vagina. Blah. Very frustrating.Next time I WILL NOT go to a midwife regularly. If anything I'll go in, get the test I want done and then vanish. The whole reason I wanted a midwife as opposed to a Dr. was so that I could avoid pressure, guilt and fear. I should have listened to my instincts at the begining and just continued my UP. Thank G-d I did it myself for the first 7 months or who knows what I wouldn've been talked into. I've already had a u/s, internal cervical checking- neither of which I wanted. Grrr...Well, I'm trying to be positive and just hoping this baby comes before my appt. is scheduled next week. If not, I might just "forget to go" so I don't have to be pressured about the membrane stripping. I'm just not sure anymore. A part of me feel like I've been pushed further than I wanted to go anyways, so I might as well let her do it, but another part of me is standing by my long-time belief that babies will come when they're ready. I don't know...
4/9/07 (10 days post-due date)
I think I've decided to forgo the membrane stripping. I know a lot of women stand by it, but I've always advocated waiting it out and letting the baby come when it's ready. I've pushed the limits with this by trying to use sex and activity to coax him/her out, but I just can't feel good about messing around in my uterus.Today is 41W3D with still no sign of labor. I'm trying to be patient and positive!
4/10/07 (11 days post-due date)
I'm now 41W4D. It's been a blessing in disguise because DH and I were able to get through Passover/Unleavened Breads without having the baby. He had a couple of days off and we got to spend some quality time together (which is a miracle since he works and ges to school full time and we NEVER see each other). Plus, another Messianic friend was lamenting about how she was born during unleavened breads and thereofr never gets a decent birthday cake. I hadn't thought about that, but I suppose that's a good point too!Also, our icky roommate moved out, which has put some financial stress on us, but has taken a ton of emotional stress off of us and I welcome that wholeheartedly. DH and I finally feel like we can be at peace in our home and view it as a spiritual refuge instead of a tense prison.I forgot to go to my midwife appt today... Seriously, I did. It's the first one I've missed. I think my subconscious chose to block it out because I didn't want to deal with them trying to pressure me into stripping my membranes. I've been wrestling with it all week. I didn't (and still don't) want to do it, but the impatience and pressure were tempting me seriously! I'm happy with my decision.I've been having more consistent cramp-feeling contrax (I hope!). They're just right down in the pubic area still, but I feel lots of them everyday, so I'm hoping the time is approaching. Also, the little one keeps scooting further down. I don't know if I'm dilated at all, but I've been feeling things stretching out down there for a couple of days now, so I hope that means dilation is in the near future.Thanks for the support. This thread has actually really helped me sort out my feelings and maintain some sense of perspective!
4/12/07 (13 days post-due date)
Is it normal to want to go into hiding because I'm tired of people saying, "Still pregnant!" and asking when "they" are going to induce me???
4/13/07 (14 days post-due date)
Keep you fingers crossed for me today. Against my better judgment I've agreed to go take a non-stress test. Supposedly the people who will be doing the test aren't as nervous and pushy with 42-weekers as some places, but my midwife told me to lie and tell them I might only be 41 weeks just in case. I'm already preparing to defend and refuse everything they say, but I'm kind of wondering why I agreed to go. Hopefully DH will be able to get off work and come with and he can help me keep my resolve...
4/14/07 (15 days post-due date)
So, I'm mad...I had my non-stress test and everything was great. The baby's fine and I'm fine. However, I had to drive an hour and a half to get to the only doctor who is willing to "let me" continue without induction. She told me that I have to continue driving out there EVERY OTHER DAY for these stupid 2-3 hour tests. I called my midwife's office and they told me that if I refuse I can't see the midwives anymore.WHAT A BUNCH OF BS!!! What kind of sense does that make??? How do I suddenly go from no-risk, totally healthy to high risk and losing my midwives over the period of one day??? What could possibly happen that would make me and the baby go from "doing great" to dangerous in three days? I'm obviously planning a UC anyways, but DH and I agreed to have a midwife that we could call if we had a question or if there was a situation we couldn't handle. Now I feel like I'm letting him down by refusing to cave in to their demands. And to top it off, all the joy and pleasure I had during the end of my pregnancy is gone. All I can do is be mad that I'm still pregnant because its complicating everything. Next time I'm going to do my UP the whole way thru. This is totally ruining the last few weeks of my pregnancyThe US sucks. I wish there was someone I could tell who would come and straighten everything out.
4/16/07 (17 days post-due date)
More of my never-ending midwife saga...I'm now officially on my own. My midwife told me that either I get the tests or they're done with me. I told her I wasn't going to get the tests and that (gasp) I was going to have a UC with my husband and I was fine with that. She was nervous about that and tried to talk me out of it, but as I told her, if driving an hour and a half every other day is my only option and it's NOT an option, what else am I supposed to do? She didn't really have an answer for me, but was really worried about my choice. She is the most natural midwife in western WA, so of course I can't just go elsewhere and I don't think she's had a patient who found her to be too "medical" for their tastes. ANyways, DH is supporting my choice, but I know he's scared out of his mind. I told him that I'll do the fetal movement monitoring this week and if nothing's happening by Friday (assuming all else is well) I'll start castor oil. If that hasn't started the ball rolling by the end of the weekend I'll think about going to a doctor. I'm REEEEEEALLY hoping that this baby shows up before that! I don't want to give up my dream birth, but I think that three weeks late is a little much.Now I'm just struggling with my feelings of guilt and failure. If I have to go to a doctor and give up my birth plans I don't know how I'll feel. I'll feel like a fraud and like I let my baby down. I understand how soe of the other mamas who've gone thru a similar experience feel now. I hope everything works out, but either way I just want a healthy baby.
4/3/06
I'm 24 and ttc #1. We've only been trying for a few months, but I've wanted children forever. I'm hoping to conceive soon so that we can have a baby by early 2007!
8/19/06
DH and I have been ttc for about 8.5 months. I've never been more than a day or two late on my periods, and about a month ago I just gave up. I stopped charting, checking fluids or hpting. This past week however, I started to feel a little crampy. This is typical the day before my period. Oddly enough, the cramps continued for a couple days with no period. I hadn't been keeping track of my cycle, so I'm not sure when I should have started, but my friend and I have the same cycle, and she just said goodbye to my period yesterday. I took a hpt three days ago and saw the faintest of faint lines indicating that I was pregnant. However, the line was so faint, I wasn't sure. I went to a pregnancy center for a test, but the woman who did it, only waited 30 seconds and then sent me home telling me it was negative. She told me the test could take 5 minutes to read! I took another hpt (same brand as before) today and got the same uberfaint line. Should I assume I'm pregnant? Should I retest with a different brand? Its driving me crazy!
8/20/07
I'm Pregnant!!!!!
9/15/06
I'm not doing anything different, except trying to cut back on the junk food and caffeine and drinking more water--- which I should have been doing before hand. I weigh myself occasionally and I suppose once I get to 20ish weeks I might by a fetoscope to see if I can hear a heartbeat. I've haven't done anything though yet. I don't even know how far along I am, or when exactly I'm due. Oh well. It keeps the stress at a minimum.
10/15/06
I'm planning on a homebirth, but if neccessary I'm prepared to go to a hospital. I'm going UC and thinking maybe a waterbirth? We'll see.So far, I'm not actually liking pregnancy. I've been sick non-stop, crabby, tired and blah. My uterus is growing and pushing other stuff around, but so far I don't look pregnant- just fatter. I'm just in the 2nd trimester, so I'm looking forward to these next few months!Dh and I had been ttc for many months. I was charting and temping and fluid-checking and all that. I finally gave up and decided I wasn't meant to get pg at that time. Well, that month I conceived. I was late and I resisted hptesting because I had been doing it every month and being disappointed, but I finally gave in. There was an itsy bitsy line, but I wasn't sure if it was a bfp or an evap line. I told DH we MIGHT be pregnant. (He had heard that one before.) I hpted again- same result and wen't to a clinic where the girl resolutely told me I was NOT pg. I went an bought an expensive early detection test and sure enough it was a lovely blue line. I wanted to test with the first morning urine and that morning I woke up at 3 am. So when I got the result I turned on the bedroom light and said look and shoved the stick in dh's face. He was like "What is that?" and I said we're pregnant! It was funny. He went right back to sleep but was really excited when he woke up in the morning.
10/16/06
For a girl we're planning on Ziva Inari. Ziva means brilliance in Hebrew and Inari means successful one in Japanese. For a boy we're going with Jaden Bryce. Jaden means God hears in Hebrew and Bryce means alert.. I don't remember the origin of that one though.I work as a counselor for a group home. I'm moving to WA in a couple days though and I'll be looking for work. I'm not sure what I'll find. I work about 20-30 hours a week now and I'm hoping to keep it at 20 once the baby is born. Ultimately I'd like to be a stay at home mom.
10/16/06
I do plan to CD. I've already add some to my registry! Lol.We're not going to do a lotus birth, but I do plan to wait quite a while to cut the cord. Dh is new to all this so if I'm easing him in bit by bit. I talked to him about a lotus birth and he was shocked. He had no idea people could do that. He scared that the placenta will smell and all that, so we'll pass on it this time. I'm not planning on having an ultrasound unless there is a problem that arises. We want to be surprised, so even if we do have one I don't think we'll ask to know the sex.
10/17/06
I can't wait to do all the stuff that comes with this- birth, teaching the child to walk, talk, read, cook, clean, grow up, drive- everything. I can't wait for the first steps, words, teeth, holidays, dates, kisses and sleepovers. I'm looking forward to the awe and wonder that a child has for the little things adults forget to be amazed by- animals, snow, sunsets, rain, silly songs, making cookies and riding a bike.I'm also worried that I'll fail somehow in my duties. I worry that I won't teach them everything they need to know, I won't explain my values or beliefs well enough, I won't discipline effectively, I won't give them enough space or I'll geive them too much. I'm worried that my kids won't like me, respect me, trust me, listen to me, talk to me, miss me when they go or want to leave at all. There is so much to do as a parent, and while I know so much of it just comes and goes without a thought, its a big change and a lot of things to think about now.I think my hormones are kicking in...
11/17/06
All I've heard is "Look how much weight you've put on!" "Be careful that you don't put on too much more weight." "Pregancy is harder if you put on too much weight."I'd kill for someone to assume I was pregnant. What's worse is that I haven't put on more than 5 or 10 pounds. All my inards are just sitting above my bellybutton making me look obese. *cry cry*
1/3/07
Well, in my own defense I found out that my baby is breech. The big fat head is making myelook obese by sitting above my bellybutton, while down near the bottom of my uterus, where I'm supposed to be big I've got nothing but a couple scrawny legs... Thanks a lot baby... If it's a boy I'm dressing him in pink for this...
1/5/07
I can't feel my baby moving. S/he is breech (and has been the whole time) and rarely even turns over in there. I thought at this stage I would be feeling him/her and have that connection, but I don't feel any movement and forget I'm pregnant half the time. That sucks.Health wise everything is fine. My morning sickness lasted for 5 months (which I was not expecting!) and I didn't gain much weight at all (which I also was not expecting!) I'm peeing a lot, which I planned for and sleeping a lot too. I'm totally in a nesting phase- baking and cleaning and shopping for baby stuff. It's cool. I can't wait to meet the baby though and I'm actually looking forward to experiencing birth in all its pain and pleasure.
3/9/07 (21 days pre-due date)
So midwife talked me into getting an ultrasound. I have resisted thus far, but she gave me no options. She said my stomach has such good muscle tone that she couldn't tell the position of the baby (breech or not). Since s/he's been breech for most of the time she was concerned. She tried sticking her fingers in, but the baby is still floating so that was no help.I had to go get the d*** u/s or she'd stop seeing me and refer me to a DR to get a c-section. Now, little does she know, but I'm not planning on calling her to the birth. I'm only seeing her now to make DH feel better.Anyhow, the u/s showed my baby is head down. I'm very glad, as I was having mixed feelings about forcing him/her to turn.The end.
3/13/07 (17 days pre-due date)
I'll try to make this brief:I'm 8.5 month pregnant with #1. I was doing a UP up until the en of the 6th month when I began seeing a midwife. I plan to UC, but possibly call the midwife after everything's over so she can check us out and get me a birth certificate. Everything's been great with the midwife up until now. She has been fine with me refusing to take certain tests, she's relatively AP, anti-vax and okay with minimal intereference. She also respects my religious beliefs and is willing to accommodate all my little oddities.So last week she said she couldn't feel if the baby was breech or not from the outside because of my "well-toned" stomach muscles.. I find this funny, since I'm fat and out of shape, but there it is. She tried to stick her finger in there but as I told her, the baby hasn't dropped and lo and behold she couldn't even touch the cervix. So she talked me into going in for a u/s which I had never had and feel VERY guilty about.This week I met with her assistant (they rotate weekly clinicals every week). She also couldn't tell the position of the baby externally either so she put her hand in there. She was so forceful that now, 2 hours later I still feel sore, but she couldn't reach it either. I told her that the baby hadn't dropped, and I know what it feels like when the baby flips and there had been no flipping in the past week. She told me to get another u/s which I refused. She said that I need to get a u/s every week until I have the baby so they can make sure the baby isn't breech.I can refuse, but she's so pushy about it it makes me angry. I'll have to see her very other week, which I do not want to do. I'm not going to have a weekly u/s. I'm not going to let the midwives shove their hands up into my body for no reason. I will know if the baby flips and from what I've read by week 38 (now) there is very little room for flipping anyways.I didn't plan to have either of them at the birth anyways, and now that I've had all the tests I plan to take and I know I'm healthy (good BP, not amenic, no diabetes, GBS-, etc.) I might just kiss them all goodbye. I love MY midwife, but I'm not going to cater to a bunch of stupid procedures and I don't want to deal with the other midwife. Should I just come in every other week so I don't have to see the midwife I don't like and keep refusing the tests, or should I just call it quits?
3/21/07 (9 days pre-due date)
My midwife can almost reach my cervix internally. Not comfortable, but at least now she can tell that the baby is head down without trying to send me in for u/s which I've been resisting. She says there is a chance the baby could go back to breech, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.My measurments have been right on par for the week all the way through, but now it looks like I'm measuring about 36 cm. I don't know what this means, but it's kinda weird. Hmm..No one is expecting me to have the baby until the first week of April (cry cry) but I'm reeeeeeally hoping the baby hurries up and gets outta there! I guess when they did my one evil u/s that's what it looked like. They put my EDD at April 6th by their measurents. We'll see though. Keep your fingers crossed that it happens a little sooner, as I'm getting reeeeally uncomfortable and sick of being pregnant! I want to meet my baby!!!
3/23/07 (7 days pre-due date)
I've been having some veeeeery mild BH contrax these past few days. Also, the baby is really running out of room and not happy about it!My maternity leave has now begun. I have 6 weeks. I really hope the baby isn't too late, as I don't want to sit around preggo the whole time! Hopefully I'll only be working 2-3 days a week for about 10-15 hours, so even once I go back it won't be too bad.I think I'm going to try some EPO and maybe nipple stimulation. I've heard those can help labor hurry up if my body's already thinking about it. I feel bad for baby because I feel him/her trying to get comfy in there but it takes forever since it's such a tight space. Plus, I think s/he wants to get back in breech but can't turn MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!I'd love to get this baby outta me now...
3/27/07 (3 days pre-due date)
You probably are getting tired of my boring updates, since nothing's really happening, but I figure I can use this for some pregnancy memories later.I had my midwife appt. today. They tried to make me go get an u/s but I refused. I met with the midwife I don't care for, but I guess the other midwife told her not to try sticking her hands or anything else in me, so that was good.I'm measuring at 36 inches and I still have a ton of movement. I've been having some super mild BH contrax and the creepy feeling that something is sinking down behind my pelvic bone. It's great. I'm so anxious, but okay with being late. My mom is hoping I have the baby on her birthday- 4/4. I'm staying positive about the timing and trying to remember that the baby will come out as soon as s/he's ready. I'm trying to enjoy 9-10 hours of uninterupted sleep at night and being able to watch 2 tv shows in a row if I feel like it.
3/27/07 (3 days pre-due date)
I'm 39w 4d and going nuts! I'm trying to enjoy being childless while it lasts, but I've been trying to have a baby for so long I can't hardly bear it. I want this baby outta me now!My midwife if predicting a 41+w birth... I think I may go insane.
3/31/07 (1 day post-due date)
So here's another uneventful update...The baby is reeeally low now... I think in the perfect position to get out of me! I'm not effaced or dillated or anything, but I have been having some mini-contrax of the BH variety. They're getting more frequent now.Also... this will sound weird but, does the baby push him/herself out using their feet? I keep feeling the baby pushing his/her feet super hard into my belly and then I feel the cervix stretching out as the head goes further down. Am I nuts?
4/5/07 (6 days post-due date)
So, I'm 40W6D today. I'm sick of not knowing what's going on. I don't know what these sensations I'm feeling are. Maybe contrax, maybe nothing at all. It's frustrating!My midwife is trying to talk my into getting my membranes stripped net week. I don't know how I feel about that. She's also preparing me to lie to the Drs. if and when I hit 42 weeks and I "have" to go in for a stress test and/or induction. I'll fake my own death and vanish into the mountains before I do in for any of those idiodic tests. Blah. My midwife is also trying to prepare me for the chance that I might not be able to get the baby out how I want to. She's afraid that in a pool she won't be able to get her hands in there... She thinks she's going to have the chance. She's also predicting that since I'm not singing with delight everytime she tries to shove her hands up into my cervix that I might not be able psychologically to open my legs and let the baby come out, which will injure him/her. Of course this all had to be said while DH is in the room (the 2nd time he's gone to one of my appts.) and now he's panicking again. She thinks she'll have to get me out of the tub and onto the bed and they'll all have to force my legs open to let the baby out dso I don't kill him/her. Great. Thanks for the image.I think if anything, all my discomfort stems from foreign objects and people entering in my body when they don't belong there. I can't imagine any reason that I won't be able to let my body work and produce a baby when the time is right if I don't have people hovering around, freaking me out and putting things in my vagina. Blah. Very frustrating.Next time I WILL NOT go to a midwife regularly. If anything I'll go in, get the test I want done and then vanish. The whole reason I wanted a midwife as opposed to a Dr. was so that I could avoid pressure, guilt and fear. I should have listened to my instincts at the begining and just continued my UP. Thank G-d I did it myself for the first 7 months or who knows what I wouldn've been talked into. I've already had a u/s, internal cervical checking- neither of which I wanted. Grrr...Well, I'm trying to be positive and just hoping this baby comes before my appt. is scheduled next week. If not, I might just "forget to go" so I don't have to be pressured about the membrane stripping. I'm just not sure anymore. A part of me feel like I've been pushed further than I wanted to go anyways, so I might as well let her do it, but another part of me is standing by my long-time belief that babies will come when they're ready. I don't know...
4/9/07 (10 days post-due date)
I think I've decided to forgo the membrane stripping. I know a lot of women stand by it, but I've always advocated waiting it out and letting the baby come when it's ready. I've pushed the limits with this by trying to use sex and activity to coax him/her out, but I just can't feel good about messing around in my uterus.Today is 41W3D with still no sign of labor. I'm trying to be patient and positive!
4/10/07 (11 days post-due date)
I'm now 41W4D. It's been a blessing in disguise because DH and I were able to get through Passover/Unleavened Breads without having the baby. He had a couple of days off and we got to spend some quality time together (which is a miracle since he works and ges to school full time and we NEVER see each other). Plus, another Messianic friend was lamenting about how she was born during unleavened breads and thereofr never gets a decent birthday cake. I hadn't thought about that, but I suppose that's a good point too!Also, our icky roommate moved out, which has put some financial stress on us, but has taken a ton of emotional stress off of us and I welcome that wholeheartedly. DH and I finally feel like we can be at peace in our home and view it as a spiritual refuge instead of a tense prison.I forgot to go to my midwife appt today... Seriously, I did. It's the first one I've missed. I think my subconscious chose to block it out because I didn't want to deal with them trying to pressure me into stripping my membranes. I've been wrestling with it all week. I didn't (and still don't) want to do it, but the impatience and pressure were tempting me seriously! I'm happy with my decision.I've been having more consistent cramp-feeling contrax (I hope!). They're just right down in the pubic area still, but I feel lots of them everyday, so I'm hoping the time is approaching. Also, the little one keeps scooting further down. I don't know if I'm dilated at all, but I've been feeling things stretching out down there for a couple of days now, so I hope that means dilation is in the near future.Thanks for the support. This thread has actually really helped me sort out my feelings and maintain some sense of perspective!
4/12/07 (13 days post-due date)
Is it normal to want to go into hiding because I'm tired of people saying, "Still pregnant!" and asking when "they" are going to induce me???
4/13/07 (14 days post-due date)
Keep you fingers crossed for me today. Against my better judgment I've agreed to go take a non-stress test. Supposedly the people who will be doing the test aren't as nervous and pushy with 42-weekers as some places, but my midwife told me to lie and tell them I might only be 41 weeks just in case. I'm already preparing to defend and refuse everything they say, but I'm kind of wondering why I agreed to go. Hopefully DH will be able to get off work and come with and he can help me keep my resolve...
4/14/07 (15 days post-due date)
So, I'm mad...I had my non-stress test and everything was great. The baby's fine and I'm fine. However, I had to drive an hour and a half to get to the only doctor who is willing to "let me" continue without induction. She told me that I have to continue driving out there EVERY OTHER DAY for these stupid 2-3 hour tests. I called my midwife's office and they told me that if I refuse I can't see the midwives anymore.WHAT A BUNCH OF BS!!! What kind of sense does that make??? How do I suddenly go from no-risk, totally healthy to high risk and losing my midwives over the period of one day??? What could possibly happen that would make me and the baby go from "doing great" to dangerous in three days? I'm obviously planning a UC anyways, but DH and I agreed to have a midwife that we could call if we had a question or if there was a situation we couldn't handle. Now I feel like I'm letting him down by refusing to cave in to their demands. And to top it off, all the joy and pleasure I had during the end of my pregnancy is gone. All I can do is be mad that I'm still pregnant because its complicating everything. Next time I'm going to do my UP the whole way thru. This is totally ruining the last few weeks of my pregnancyThe US sucks. I wish there was someone I could tell who would come and straighten everything out.
4/16/07 (17 days post-due date)
More of my never-ending midwife saga...I'm now officially on my own. My midwife told me that either I get the tests or they're done with me. I told her I wasn't going to get the tests and that (gasp) I was going to have a UC with my husband and I was fine with that. She was nervous about that and tried to talk me out of it, but as I told her, if driving an hour and a half every other day is my only option and it's NOT an option, what else am I supposed to do? She didn't really have an answer for me, but was really worried about my choice. She is the most natural midwife in western WA, so of course I can't just go elsewhere and I don't think she's had a patient who found her to be too "medical" for their tastes. ANyways, DH is supporting my choice, but I know he's scared out of his mind. I told him that I'll do the fetal movement monitoring this week and if nothing's happening by Friday (assuming all else is well) I'll start castor oil. If that hasn't started the ball rolling by the end of the weekend I'll think about going to a doctor. I'm REEEEEEALLY hoping that this baby shows up before that! I don't want to give up my dream birth, but I think that three weeks late is a little much.Now I'm just struggling with my feelings of guilt and failure. If I have to go to a doctor and give up my birth plans I don't know how I'll feel. I'll feel like a fraud and like I let my baby down. I understand how soe of the other mamas who've gone thru a similar experience feel now. I hope everything works out, but either way I just want a healthy baby.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Ranting and Raving Mad
So here's my sad story:Malachi and I have a roommate who has the 2nd bedroom in our apt. All three of us are on the lease.I'm planning a homebirth and am due within the next couple of weeks, so Mal knocked on her door to ask her if she and her boyfriend were going to be around during my due date. She says, "Well, actually, we're getting married in about two weeks, so I'll be moving out."So we now have 2 weeks to move out (as we can't afford the rent on our own) and Mal has work/school 60 hours a week and I'm 8.5 months pregnant. Plus, there's a $500 fee for breaking our lease and some huge fees for leaving without giving 30 days notice. And I know she won't pay any of those fees, which means Mal and I will have to even though we don't have any extra. Plus, now that we'll be roommateless we'll have more expenses and I'll have to cut my maternity leave short and go back to work asap to cover our expenses. I'm so angry and frustrated I could cry. I don't want to move 8.5 months pregnant and be living out of boxes when I have the baby. I don't want to put my baby in day care and have to go back to work. I don't want to be stressed out this far into my pregnancy. Why can't anything just go the way its supposed to? Why are people willing to screw you over and leave you in a hopeless situation without a care in the world? How come even though I do what I can to help other people out I'm always theone getting kicked back and dicked over? Why does it feel like even when I do things right and try to make wise decisions everything blows up in my face? What do I have to do? Be a bitch? Be lazy, quit work and sit on welfare? Take advantage of people? What do I have to do to have some stability and peace? What do I have to compromise? My integrity? My faith? My morals? What do you people want from me???
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Pissing and Moaning About Work... I Know- Already??
Its so frustrating to me that we Americans have to have our butts kissed everytime we go out. In other non-Western countries if you need something you just go out and buy it. You don't ask a bunch of questions, you don't complain about the condition of the store, you don't expect people to be smiley and accommodating. You just get your crap and go home. Even if you did wish the service was better or whatever, you knew (as did the store) that you didn't have any other options, so you suck it up and you move on.
Here in America we have to be coddled and supported throughout our shopping trips. If the lights are too dim or too bright, or the employees bother us too much or ignore us, or if we don't like the price, the selection, the store hours, the reurn policy, the lines, the music playing or the distance from the parking lot to the door we'll leave and go someplace else.
Now I like to be treated well just as much as the next shopper, but every day I work retail I shake my head in disbelief at the audacity and spoiled rotten behavior I have to put up with. If I'm rushing down the aisle to attend to one whiny "guest" I'll have two others grabbing at my apron strings on the way. It doesn't matter if I'm on the phone, helping someone else or removing my apron and pulling out my keys to leave- people will whine and fuss and expect me to serve them.
Our store policy to to call our customers "guests" and to make them feel welcome and invited into our store. But how many guests would tear up their host's stuff, leave horrible messes and have the nerve to complain about anything after it all?? What guest would let their children run amok knocking things down and causing a commotion? Would you take something off of your host's shelf, lay it out on the floor and then leave it there? Would you pull something that belonged to your host apart and then dump it somewhere else in their house? Would you bring your filthy, nasty rat-dog into your host's house and set it on their furniture? And do you think that if you were repulsive enough to do these things that your host would want you to come back? No. No one save a classless clod would do these things. I wouldn't treat a state park that way. However, all day long people treat customer service worker like this with no clue that they should have a little respect.
Do you think it's easy to smile and pretend to give a crap about everybody and to happily accommodate the most ludicris of requests after you been standing, walking, kneeling, squatting, reaching, climbing, lifting and kissing up to people for 8 effing hours making crap for money and getting no thanks or appreciation for any of it? Do you think anybody working retail really cares if the comforter is for your daughter who just go accepted to UW or if the towels are for the guest room of your new condo? Do you think anybody making 9 bucks an hour to lick people's butts wants to hear you talk about how you need a massager for your back or a pillow for your jaccuzzi or a memory foam mattress topper because you ache after a long day at the office? NO!
The fact of the matter is for most store employees customers are an unwanted nuissance. Sure, somebody at the corporate level wants you to show up and spend your money on the crap we're selling. But for the girl behind the counter, the guy in the freight room out back and the sales rep escorting you from bed skirt to measley bed skirt we really just wish you'd get your crap and get out. We don't make any more or less money if you buy the Egyptian cotton versus the flannel. We don't care which towels or rugs you pick- we just want you to quit unfolding our crap and buy something. Sad, but true.
Here are some instances that really make me mad:
We have every color of every towel in every size displayed for guests to see and touch, yet every effing person has to unfold each and every towel they are considering. And do they fold it and put it back? OF COURSE NOT! They wad it up and dump it in the first open spot they see. Or they drag it around until they find something better and then dump it there. Or they leave it on the floor. They don't care.
This condescending loser asks me to climb a 10 foot ladder to get her a sheet set she can't reach. The offensive part is that there is an identical set sitting in front of her within reach. However she doesn't want that one because it is partially unzipped and she doesn't know if it has all the pieces. So I take it, I open it and I pull out every piece. It's all there. Oh but she still can be made to take that one because it was opened at one point. Jerkoff. Do you not realize that most of our day is spent putting thinkg back into theirbags, wrappers or boxes because people pull stuff out? Newsflash- most the stuff you buy wasprobably pulled out of it's package and dumped on the floor at some point. Deal with it.
The lame, pampered princesses who ask me to hand them this comforter or that rug. They of course can't lift it because they're pregnant. So I pick up the crap and ask them when they're due. "September," they smile. "Oh, congradulations," I smile back. "I'm due in March. You have a nice day now."
People who ask stupid questions should be released through a trap door into a pit of sharks. This guys asks me if I would buy a pair of shams he's holding for sixty dollars, with some sort of cocky, ass-face look. "No," I think to myself. "I work here for a living. If I want sixty-dollar shams I'd have to steal them." Then he goes on to tell me that Bill Gates makes a lot of money but he probably wouldn't buy them. Here's an idea, lame-wipe: DON'T BUY THEM!!!! If you don't want to shell out 60 bucks for bed decorations, what the hell are you doing in Linens N Things? GO AWAY!
Along those same lines, why be surprised when we tell you a comforter set is $249.99 or a sheet set for an extra deep matress is $129.99? Our competitors are Bed, Bath and Beyond, Macy's, JCPenney's and Sears. We do not compete with Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Liquidation World, Goodwill or EBay. If you "don't care about color, style or quality," as one customer told me then why are you here? You won't find 100 thread count cheap sheets here! You won't find $5 dollar crusty towels here! You won't find McCooking products here! If you want cheap stuff go to Wal-Mart! "Oh, I don't shop at places like Wal-Mart," the guest told me...
I'm pregnant. However the customers don't care. They will unroll an 80 pound rug, look at it, leave it, move down the aisle and watch as I whimper and grimace, easing myself down to the floor, leaning over my belly to roll the rug back up and them pull myself back to my feet, holding my stomach, stoop to pick up the rug and struggle to stuff it back into it's place on the shelf. And if it doesn't fit- surprise, surprise!- they will watch as I do it all over again and have the nerve to pull some other crap down or ask me to get a ladder and get something for them. They only words I have for this are profanity. You get the idea though.
Well, I guess that's enough for now, but the next time you're out shopping remember this post and give the store employees a break. Leave the store in no worse condition then when you found it. Treat the employees with the same respect they show you. Say please and thank you if someone is helping you. Chances are they don't want to and it will make them despise you much less. If you aren't satisfied with something tell a manager- not the poor slob unpacking boxes in a random deptartment. Chances are that person will just think you're a bitch and they won't tell anybody or do anything about your problem anyway. A manager hasn't been kissing up all day and they might have it in them to help you. Just be nice. It's not so much to ask.
Thank you and have a nice day.
Kristi
Here in America we have to be coddled and supported throughout our shopping trips. If the lights are too dim or too bright, or the employees bother us too much or ignore us, or if we don't like the price, the selection, the store hours, the reurn policy, the lines, the music playing or the distance from the parking lot to the door we'll leave and go someplace else.
Now I like to be treated well just as much as the next shopper, but every day I work retail I shake my head in disbelief at the audacity and spoiled rotten behavior I have to put up with. If I'm rushing down the aisle to attend to one whiny "guest" I'll have two others grabbing at my apron strings on the way. It doesn't matter if I'm on the phone, helping someone else or removing my apron and pulling out my keys to leave- people will whine and fuss and expect me to serve them.
Our store policy to to call our customers "guests" and to make them feel welcome and invited into our store. But how many guests would tear up their host's stuff, leave horrible messes and have the nerve to complain about anything after it all?? What guest would let their children run amok knocking things down and causing a commotion? Would you take something off of your host's shelf, lay it out on the floor and then leave it there? Would you pull something that belonged to your host apart and then dump it somewhere else in their house? Would you bring your filthy, nasty rat-dog into your host's house and set it on their furniture? And do you think that if you were repulsive enough to do these things that your host would want you to come back? No. No one save a classless clod would do these things. I wouldn't treat a state park that way. However, all day long people treat customer service worker like this with no clue that they should have a little respect.
Do you think it's easy to smile and pretend to give a crap about everybody and to happily accommodate the most ludicris of requests after you been standing, walking, kneeling, squatting, reaching, climbing, lifting and kissing up to people for 8 effing hours making crap for money and getting no thanks or appreciation for any of it? Do you think anybody working retail really cares if the comforter is for your daughter who just go accepted to UW or if the towels are for the guest room of your new condo? Do you think anybody making 9 bucks an hour to lick people's butts wants to hear you talk about how you need a massager for your back or a pillow for your jaccuzzi or a memory foam mattress topper because you ache after a long day at the office? NO!
The fact of the matter is for most store employees customers are an unwanted nuissance. Sure, somebody at the corporate level wants you to show up and spend your money on the crap we're selling. But for the girl behind the counter, the guy in the freight room out back and the sales rep escorting you from bed skirt to measley bed skirt we really just wish you'd get your crap and get out. We don't make any more or less money if you buy the Egyptian cotton versus the flannel. We don't care which towels or rugs you pick- we just want you to quit unfolding our crap and buy something. Sad, but true.
Here are some instances that really make me mad:
We have every color of every towel in every size displayed for guests to see and touch, yet every effing person has to unfold each and every towel they are considering. And do they fold it and put it back? OF COURSE NOT! They wad it up and dump it in the first open spot they see. Or they drag it around until they find something better and then dump it there. Or they leave it on the floor. They don't care.
This condescending loser asks me to climb a 10 foot ladder to get her a sheet set she can't reach. The offensive part is that there is an identical set sitting in front of her within reach. However she doesn't want that one because it is partially unzipped and she doesn't know if it has all the pieces. So I take it, I open it and I pull out every piece. It's all there. Oh but she still can be made to take that one because it was opened at one point. Jerkoff. Do you not realize that most of our day is spent putting thinkg back into theirbags, wrappers or boxes because people pull stuff out? Newsflash- most the stuff you buy wasprobably pulled out of it's package and dumped on the floor at some point. Deal with it.
The lame, pampered princesses who ask me to hand them this comforter or that rug. They of course can't lift it because they're pregnant. So I pick up the crap and ask them when they're due. "September," they smile. "Oh, congradulations," I smile back. "I'm due in March. You have a nice day now."
People who ask stupid questions should be released through a trap door into a pit of sharks. This guys asks me if I would buy a pair of shams he's holding for sixty dollars, with some sort of cocky, ass-face look. "No," I think to myself. "I work here for a living. If I want sixty-dollar shams I'd have to steal them." Then he goes on to tell me that Bill Gates makes a lot of money but he probably wouldn't buy them. Here's an idea, lame-wipe: DON'T BUY THEM!!!! If you don't want to shell out 60 bucks for bed decorations, what the hell are you doing in Linens N Things? GO AWAY!
Along those same lines, why be surprised when we tell you a comforter set is $249.99 or a sheet set for an extra deep matress is $129.99? Our competitors are Bed, Bath and Beyond, Macy's, JCPenney's and Sears. We do not compete with Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Liquidation World, Goodwill or EBay. If you "don't care about color, style or quality," as one customer told me then why are you here? You won't find 100 thread count cheap sheets here! You won't find $5 dollar crusty towels here! You won't find McCooking products here! If you want cheap stuff go to Wal-Mart! "Oh, I don't shop at places like Wal-Mart," the guest told me...
I'm pregnant. However the customers don't care. They will unroll an 80 pound rug, look at it, leave it, move down the aisle and watch as I whimper and grimace, easing myself down to the floor, leaning over my belly to roll the rug back up and them pull myself back to my feet, holding my stomach, stoop to pick up the rug and struggle to stuff it back into it's place on the shelf. And if it doesn't fit- surprise, surprise!- they will watch as I do it all over again and have the nerve to pull some other crap down or ask me to get a ladder and get something for them. They only words I have for this are profanity. You get the idea though.
Well, I guess that's enough for now, but the next time you're out shopping remember this post and give the store employees a break. Leave the store in no worse condition then when you found it. Treat the employees with the same respect they show you. Say please and thank you if someone is helping you. Chances are they don't want to and it will make them despise you much less. If you aren't satisfied with something tell a manager- not the poor slob unpacking boxes in a random deptartment. Chances are that person will just think you're a bitch and they won't tell anybody or do anything about your problem anyway. A manager hasn't been kissing up all day and they might have it in them to help you. Just be nice. It's not so much to ask.
Thank you and have a nice day.
Kristi
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