A Question

A Question.

It seems simple. It seems harmless enough. But we see time and again that powerful people seek to prevent the asking of questions and to discredit, disarm and destroy those who ask questions. Galileo was persecuted by the Catholic Church for questioning the belief that the earth was the center of the universe. Cults and sects worldwide persecute and even murder those among them who question the tenents of the faith. In our own country people are harassed, fired and even jailed for questioning the government. This year several police officers working Border Patrol were fired for questioning the War on Drugs and policies of deporting illegal immigrants.

Why is this happening? It's happening because of the power of a questioning person. When a person asks a question, he may receive an answer. If he receives an answer, he may experience a revelation. If he experiences a revelation, he may spread the word of his epiphany to others and there may be a revolution. This is the power of questioning people. If there are enough people asking enough questions, demanding enough answers, there will be revelations of truth, of fact, of honesty like we have never seen before. And when these realities are exposed to the world there will be a revolution on a grand scale. We will no longer be naive enough to trust our leaders to make decisions in our best interests. We will no longer be content to accept as truth the interpretations of others in regards to our political documents, our religious systems or our social construct. We will cry out for freedom; true freedom that is not contained, not controlled, not contrived. We will demand to see the evidence for ourselves and to make our own decisions based on our findings. We will discover truths about our economy, about our religions, about our policies and about the rights that each of us, as a human being and a citizen of earth are owed. We will be outraged at the injustices that we have long accepted as facts of life, acts of God and out of our hands. We will discover the power that we hold as an army of questioners. We have the power to eliminate poverty, to end cruelty, to perpetuate liberty and freedom for all, regardless of creed or culture of way of life. All we have to do is resolve to take hold of this power and use it. And the way we take hold is to question.

So I question. I question everything. To those who would tell me that my questioning makes me unpatriotic, makes me ignorant, makes me faithless I say, 'No.' In fact, if a person or an institution seeks to shame me into silence for questioning, I believe it that one who is unpatriotic, for our nation was established in order to protect the rights of the individual from tyranny and unrepresented control. I believe that one is ignorant, for to accept a thing without devoting time and research into the evidence supporting that thing is the by far a greater example of ignorance than to "study to show thyself approved." And I believe that one is faithless, for no religion was fraught without battle. Someone questioned the traditions and led a band of other questioners out on a different path.

Ironically, those we herald as heroes in our world have been those unafraid to question the powerful ones. Those who worked against the forces of evil during holocausts, genocides, slave trades and killings. Those stood up and refused to be deemed less of a human because of their country of origin, the color of their skin, their religion or the love in their hearts. Even pioneers of medicine, humanitarians and technological gurus were faced with the choice to do what everyone else was doing or to try something different.

And here we are- you and me. We sit in front of this screen and we have a choice to make. Will we question? Will we refuse to be satisfied with pre-scripted answers that aren't really answers at all? Will we take a chance on the capacity of humanity to free their minds and find the power that we've had all along? Or will we continue to do what we've been doing, wishing things would get better, but taking comfort in knowing it's all out of our hands?

I will be a questioner. I will continue to ponder, to dream and to fight for things to be better than they are today. And this is my question to you:

Will you join me?

A Test of Tolerance

Tolerance is a word that gets thrown around an awful lot nowadays. Tolerance of other religions, other races, other lifestyles. Generally, if you are more liberal about life, you will associate tolerance with acceptance and equality. If you are less liberal, you might define tolerance as dealing with the fact that other opinions and other points of view exist, but not necessarily supporting or agreeing with them. In the eyes of the more liberal individual, the conservative definition of tolerance isn't very tolerant at all. And, furthermore, the lack of intolerance on the part of the conservative is, well, intolerable. Pretty much the only thing a liberal individual won't tolerate is intolerance. And all the while the conservative views the pressure to tolerate (AKA support) as discriminatory and unfair.

Of course, this isn't across the board. There are plenty of examples of tolerant and gleefully accepting conservatives and and intolerant and bigoted liberals. In Europe there are many political ideologies which fall into the category of "Liberal Conservatism" which currently refers to a culturally, socially liberal ideology combined with fiscal conservatism. And we've all heard the derisive and hateful slurs hurled by various liberal groups at anyone who opposes their agenda; labeling them homophobes, racists and regressives to shut them down and destroy any hope of civilized discussion of the issue at hand.

However, beyond the media, the pundits, the politicians and the activist groups, there are people- ordinary people- both liberal and conservative, as well as those, like myself, who are somewhere in the middle. And we all interact with each other, day in and day out. We generally keep our opinions to ourselves, upholding the tradition of not discussing religion or politics in mixed company. Those of us with more traditional manners, may go years without divulging our true feelings about a single political position, and we may never know where our friends stand on the issues either.

Enter, social media. With the advent of Myspace and Facebook, and more recently, Twitter, we can now disregard these vows of silence and proudly proclaim our love and hate for candidates, or support or disapproval of political issues and our take on religion at large across the Web. People who would otherwise never discuss politics might now feature a presidential logo as their profile picture or post articles covering the political fumbles of a politician they disagree with. And even if they aren't bold enough to do this, Facebook will now announce which articles a user has been reading. A daily dose of Fox news coverage or a dozen articles on marriage equality will give away even a politically silent poster.

But what about the real world? What about people, crossing paths daily? Casual acquaintances, coworkers, friends of friends, teachers, doctors? Now that we can know the politics and religion of every person we meet, how do we fare? How tolerant can you be when you discover that you are the lone Republican in your knitting group? How tolerant can you be as the only Democrat in the PTA? When you now know that everyone in your carpool voted yes on that proposition you adamantly opposed, how do you act?

For me, I feel a deep connection to my beliefs. I believe I'm right. To be honest, we all do. We would believe differently if that weren't the case. But when we now know that people whose company we had enjoyed hold "wrong" beliefs, does anything change?

My social media experiences have brought out the worst in me. I have felt attacked, wounded and betrayed by people simply because they've "come out" politically and I was surprised. Or maybe I wasn't, but the fact that it's now out in the open makes me think they are an activist. A casual liberal or conservative is one thing, but someone who posts antagonistic posts about politician I like, or demeaning blogs ranting about people who support positions I support? That feels personal. It turns out, I'm not all that tolerant. I have to step away from political posters on Facebook and unfollow certain people on Twitter when election season approaches or when a particularly controversial piece of legislature looms.

What about you? If you zeroed in on that one political adversary in your congregation, your classroom, your neighborhood. If they posted articles blasting your party, your position, your candidate. If you knew that they thought the absolute worst of your "kind" would you, could you be okay?

Healthcare- The Uncomfortable Phone Call

I am an Independent. I am a religious person. I have my morals and my values, but I can't call myself a Republican anymore without throwing up in my mouth a little bit. I used to be a Republican. And a fervent one at that. But even as a Rebpublican, I knew that therer were people out there who couldn't afford insurance and were not getting the healthcare they needed due to costs. But, I'm finding more and more people who truly seem to believe that that doesn't happen. People who believe that everyone could get insurance or at least save up money for future health expences if they really wanted to and prioritzed. When I became a Republican, I was all for smaller federal govt, lower taxes and giving local govt the ability to handle things internally. However, I'm seeing more and more Republicans out there who don't seem to understand that the trade off to a smaller federal govt and lower taxes is that it becomes the responsibility of local govt and private citizens to take care of their shit. That means, if you don't want the federal govt. taking money out of your paycheck to feed the poor, THEN YOU FEED THE POOR. If you don't want the govt. taking money out of your paycheck to heal the sick, THEN YOU HEAL THE SICK. That's the trade off- Big Brother won't take your money and give it to the poor, but you, in turn must take care of the poor yourself.

I guarantee if all of a sudden Republicans nationwide started dumping money into free clinics, state hospitals and charities, they started dropping truckloads of food at homeless shelters and soup kitchens, and in droves began applying to be foster parents, advocates and mentors, the political climate as we know it would change. And that's how it should be. Republicans sohould be the most giving people on the planet- particularly when their people are in office. When the taxes are low, we should be seeing Republicans taking their former tax dollars and pumping it into their local charities. If you want the right to handle the poor on your own, then take it and do a good job.

I know so many Repubicans who not only DON'T help the poor, don't give a rat's ass about the poor, but they also use being a Repubican as some sort of pass to judge, discrimiate and look down on the poor. Passing around letters blaming the poor for sucking up federal aid, looking down their noses as if because they can pay their bills every month, those who can't must be lazy, wasteful leeches. And even more offensive, they drag their religious beliefs into it as well, citing Bible verses warning of the heathen govt. and responding with "Amen" to classist slurs and hatemail.

I've been spending a fair amount of time studying thie new healthcare law and how it will effect my family. I've also been reading the pros and cons as given by people in both parties to see what people are liking and disliking about the reform. What I'm finding are a lot of positive changes that will help a lot of people and actually DECREASE the deficit in the long run. However, I keep reading on the Republican side that it is too expensive and will decrease the quality of care. And when I try to read thru the law to find out where the Republicans are getting the idea that it will create substandadrd care, I can't find anything to support that. On top of that, it seems clear from everything I've read that this plan will save money, so why do I keep hearing the whining about overspending?

Furthermore, when the Republicans handed in their proposal for healthcare reform there were ZERO compromises made on their part to make it a workable plan for both parties. They leave 52 million people without insurance, don't even chide insurance companies for refusing people with existing conditions or anything! And with the minor changes made, we still have a tax increase anyways!

On top of that, the latest poll I read said that while most Americans oppose the new law, the majority of them don't know what the law says. Amazing. Most of them think it will cost more in the long run. False. Mot of them think it will lower the quality of care. How? Show me. Tell me where this idea comes from, because I truly don't see how that will happen. Many believe the govt will be in charge of everyone's healthcare. I'm sorry, but have you read the bill? You shouldn't be allowed to have an opinion on something when you don't even know what the thing is.

My problem here is that I'm all for Republican principle, but what I'm seeing in our modern Republicans would make the GOP forefathers throw up. Being a Republican is not a license to be hateful, arrogant, uncaring, miserly and apathetic to the plight of the poor. On the contrary, the original intent of small govt was to facilitate the ability to give freely to our local brethern and to use our oen charity to take care of situations internally. The Republican model should produce the most giving, caring people in the nation because they would be there in the trenches with the poor, feeding, clothing and caring for them face to face. And, the the model works, there would eventually be less and less poor because they would have been connected to their community, assisted and be able to move and to become productive members of the society.

Where is that? Is there some Republican utopia where this is happening? If Republicans would actually take on the responsibilities obligated by their own political model, I would rejoin in a heartbeat. But what can I say; if individuals and communities want to keep their tax money and leave the poor to fend for themselves, am I supposed to sit by and be okay with that? While the GOP sits around tossing coins at various charities there are Americans dying every day because they don't have access to affordable medical care. Until the GOP steps up and does something about it, the poor have nowhere else to turn but to the Democratic Party. When the "Religious Right" won't feed them, they will turn to the "Godless Liberals" who will.

Ironically, it was the Democratic Party that has historically been the home of the religious American. They were seen as the party who cared for the poor and fought for the underpriveliged in society. Christians, in particular felt peace in aligning themselves with a party who spent money improving life for those suffering. The tide shnged after Roe v. Wade, when the Democrats took up the pro-choice stance. And what conservative holdouts still remained jumped ship when the gay-rights agenda was adopted in the 90s. But the erradication of Christian compassion when it came to the poor took a little longer to happen. At first, many former Democrats tried to walk the fence, but peer pressure and the blatant difference in values made it difficult. After awhile though, Republicans- even poor ones- became comfortable not caring and not doing anything to remedy the poverty in our backyards. And here we are today. Not only are Republicans frothing at the mouth over gay-rights and abortion, but they are actually attacking the Dems for a healthcare reform that would save lives and help the poor- something that their Democratic ancestors would've jumped at the change to support.

Are you moved? Are you angry? Are you embarrassed and ashamed that another religious person has dared to call you out of your greed and apathy? Good. This is not a political ad. I am not a Democrat, nor do I wish to convert anyone to the Democratic side. This is not a personal attack. I don't hate Republicans, as I said, I was one and I still agree with their system in principle. This is not about party affiliation- it is about personal responsibility. Take it, or shut up and let the Democrats heal the world for you. If the GOP doesn't like it, let them put their money where their mouth is.

Circumcision- Read it and weep.

I'm an oddball. I get that. But I'm nothing if not studious. But here's the truth about religious, biblical circumcision.

When I was pregnant with Ziva I began to become concerned about circumcision. I believe that it goes against G-d's will to prevent our bodies from functioning. For this reason I do not believe in chemical or surgical birth control. So the more I read about circumcision destroying the foreskin, the more conflicted I became. How could a G-d who made us perfect comand us to destroy something on our bodies? Sure, there are biblical references to piercing ears and noses, clipping nails and shaving heads, but these things didn't destroy the body's ability to function. Brit Periah did.

My very wise online friend Zipporah led me to the truth about ancient circumcision. Here it is: Original, biblical circumcision did NOT destroy the foreskin. It didn't. It was meant to be an identifying marker- a sign of the covenant and never a destructive tool. On the 8th day, which we now know is the time at which the baby's blood develops the ability to clot, the mother would haold the boy as the father (or later the mohel) would gently pinch up the foreskin and whatever rose above the very tip of the penis would be quickly cut with a razor sharp blade. It was quick and no more painful than piercing the ears. The recovery time was rapid, the pain subsided quickly and most importantly, the foreskin was still functional.

As a quasi- gentle, attachment parenting type I get to listen to and read tons of uneducated, pontificating and melodramatic hate-speech involving circumcision. Particularly offensive, are the people who are acually bigoted enough to tell Jews and other circumcising religious people to "get a new religion." As expected, none of these people have bothered to educate themselves about circumcision. Do they know the history? Do they know about the different methods? Do they have any understanding of the practice at all other than the dogmatic haters proclaiming it as "barbaric" and calling for illegalization of the practice? Generally, no. And the case could certainly be made that many of these rabidly anti-circumcision parents do equal or greater damage to their children with their dismissal of absolute truth, morality and a god of some sort. Studies show that children who grow up with ANY KIND of religious community are less likely to commit crimes. And the evidence of long-term damage done by circumcison? We're still waiting on that. Some studies indicate the sex is better with a foreskin (an issue resolved if we return to the ancient method) but do we see deep, psychological trauma? No. So while I do not believe that full-circumcision (Brit Periah) is the biblical method, or a kind thing to do, I certainly am not willing to vilify those parents for doing it.

And if you weren't tired of reading yet, here is a historically supported statement (not even coming from a pro-circ stance, by the way) regarding ancient circumcision and the medical version we see today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KEY POINT: The original Jewish ritual left most of the foreskin on thepenis.

The late Edward Wallerstein won an American Medical Writers Award forgathering much of the historical evidence in "Circumcision: An AmericanHealth Fallacy" [NY: Springer 1980]
Later, Wallerstein wrote of the minimal ancient practice in a 1983 article:
"Originally, the surgery involved only cutting the tip of the foreskin.This was changed in the Hellenic Period to prevent [Jews from]elongat[ing] the foreskin stump in order to appear uncircumcised."[Wallerstein E. Humanistic Judaism 1983;11(4):46]
Wallerstein's research is supported by The Jewish Encyclopedia whichindicates that a Jewish "rage for athletics" occurred around 175 BCEwhen the Seleucid king Antiochus IV offered citizenship to those whoadopted the athletic Greek way of life.
Jason, high priest of Jerusalem, offered to increase his tribute toAntiochus IV if he wouldbuild a Greek-style gymnasium in Jerusalem. The gymnasium was built.
As Jews began participating in the nude games, "devout Jews" (a minorityof Jews) found to their horror that a partially exposed glans (i.e., a"mini"-circumcised penis) was considered vulgar. Compounding the horror(of this minority of "devout Jews") was the fact that many Jews -including perhaps Jewish priests - were stretching their "mini"circumcisized foreskins so as not to appear circumcised.
According to the Jewish Encyclopedia:
"[D]evout Jews began to look upon the exercises with horror, especiallybecause most of them were practised "in puris naturilibus" and theCovenant of Abraham had become an object of derision. Nevertheless, fora time at least, the rage for Athletics spread even to the priests...[See Athletics in Singer I (and 400 others, eds.) The JewishEncyclopedia. New York: Ktav 1901.]
"...[T]he consequence was [the] attempt to appear like the Greeks byepispasm ('making themselves foreskins')... [See Circumcision in SingerI (and 400 others, eds.), 1901]
Forty years later (134 BCE), the high priest of Jerusalem, JohnHyrcanus, forcibly circumcised the Idumeans, "leading them to think theywere Jews." [Gribetz J, Greenstein EL, Stein RS. The Timetables ofJewish History. New York: Simon and Schuster 1993. Judah Gribetz ispresident of the Jewish Community Relations Council of New York.]
It was during this period that Jewish priests apparently decided thatstretching the foreskin was wrong and threatened the extermination ofthose Jews who stretched their foreskins:
"The Book of Jubilee (xv. 26-27), written in the time of John Hyrcanus,has the following: '...God's anger will be kindled against the childrenof the covenant if they make the members of their body appear like thoseof the Gentiles, and they will be expelled and exterminated from theearth.'" [Charles, The Book of Jubilees iv.-ix. iii. 190-192, underCircumcision in Singer I (and 400 others, eds.) The Jewish Encyclopedia.New York: Ktav 1901.]
But Jews of this period apparently construed the "no stretching" decreeto mean that it was all right not to circumcise; for when the son ofJohn Hyrcanus took power in 104 BCE (by imprisoning his mother andkilling his brother), he forced circumcision on the residents of Galilee- "many of them Jews." [Gribetz 1993]
The shift to total foreskin amputation is believed to have occurred onehundred years later, after the unsuccessful Bar Kokba uprising againstthe Roman Emperor Hadrian (who had completely outlawed circumcision):
"In order to prevent the obliteration of the "seal of thecovenant"...the Rabbis, probably after the war of Bar Kokba (see Yeb.l.c.; Gen. R. xivi.), instituted the 'peri'ah' (the laying bare of theglans), without which circumcision was declared to be of no value (Shab.xxx. 6)." [See Circumcision in Singer I (and 400 others, eds.), 1901]
"Thenceforward [total foreskin amputation - the laying bare of theglans] was the mark of Jewish loyalty." [See Circumcision in Singer I(and 400 others, eds.), 1901]

It seems insane - but it's true: God originally/allegedly toldJews to leave most of the foreskin on the penis - and rabbis are ignoring Him..

http://www.medkb.com/Uwe/Forum.aspx/alternative/4233/Ancient-nude-wrestling-also-Surgeon-Peter-circumcision-best

Messianic Mess

Why are there so many crazies in this damn movement? I kid you not- half of the people who come to this Way from Christianity only do it because they want to spout their loony tunes propaganda to unsuspecting searchers. The one benefit Christianity has over this movement is that they are established enough in their ways that if someone comes in with some supposedly newfound truth they won't give him the time of day. That is also, however their greatest weakness.

Let me give it to you metaphorically: There is a mountain. And the very top of this mountain is Truth. For those of us on the mountain, we all claim to want to reach the top. But for most people they will get a quarter of the way, a thrid of the way- maybe halfway up the mountain, and they'll set up camp and refuse to budge. They're comfortable and they can look down and see people who are lower than they are and feel good about themselves. And if someone comes along and points out the highest peak looming overhead, they'll run the guy out of the camp without hesitation. The problem is, for every guy pointing to the top of the mountain, there are 50 others pointing to another random peak. Most of us are just circling the mountain, going up and down and never actually getting anywhere near the top. There are so many distractions. Messianics get hung up on the Name, the identity of the lost tribes, prophesy and how much Christianty and Judaism they want to hang on to. It's riduculous. There are bigger issues. Not that these things aren't important, but important enough to kill each other over? I think not.

After all the crap that's gone on in this state, I will never be surprised by the arrogance, pride and inability of Messianics to be flexible. But I'll still be annoyed by it.

And Christianity isn't immune. The things they fight about are equally petty. Styles of worship music, translations of the Bible, women in ministry? Oh, come on. How about actually trying to be imitators of Messiah? That is what Messianics and Christians claim to be doing. I wonder then why instead we spend most of our time bickering and complaining about the state of the whole lot.

Ridiculous.

Me, The Moderate

I shy away from labeling myself, becauuse generally don't don't believe enough of any principle to call myself as adherant. Politically, religiously and in most of my beliefs about parenting, marriage and social issues I fall somewhere in the middle of the road. So I guess I could call myself a moderate... Sort of.
For the most part being a moderate has made me socially acceptable in many arenas. I am not dogmatically for or against most positions and because of this I can generally find some common ground with anybody.
But internally? That's a different thing all together. My beliefs often times place me in the middle of two opposing views and rather than helping me blend in, I appear wishy washy or even- G-d forbid- like a poser. Seriously, a non-Republican Messianic? A "sort-of AP" mom? It's tough sometimes.
And what makes it worse is the amount of demonizing and hyperbole and assumptions that fly around so casually. Everyone has an image in their mind of the type of person who believes differently than they do. Maybe they're ignorant or stupid. Maybe they were raised wrong. Maybe they just need someone to point out the error of their ways. And everyone talks as if everyone in the room agrees with them. Like there is an unspoken rule that if you agree with me here, you must agree with me everywhere.
I've been run out of forums for preaching the moderate gospel. For trying to humanize the "other side." And I've sat in silence as my own beliefs were flamed and scorned by a roomful of "likeminded" people.
Here's a real doosey: Attachment Parenting + Mini-Circumcision + Judaism +Jesus = a complete clash of passions. In AP circles it's accepted practice to refer to circ as "barbaric," "inhumane" and as mutilation. No on thinks twice aboutproudly condemning the lot of ignorant parents who do it, regardless of their reasons or strategies. Likewise, within Judaism and Messianic Judaism (for the most part) there is little understanding or acceptance of mini or partial circumcision. It's seen as an all or nothing deal and people wonder why anyone would question the tradition. Not to mention adding Messianic to Judaism- that's a taboo all on it's own.
Even in the simpler things- I recently commented on a comic and attached blog metaphorically eye rolling formula samples saying, "Formula samples never helped anyone." The whole basis of the blog entry was to ridicule and shame those of us lazy and ignorant enough to feed our babies "poisonous" formula instead of breastfeeding. The assumption being that it's all simply a matter of priorities and not an issue of ability. And how many times has a friendly religious conversation suddenly hopped into politics with some happily verbal person casually and passionately prophesying the end of the world with the current president in the role of Anti-Christ. Really? Did I SAY I was a Republican? Did I not read the fine print when I became Messianic? Being that person in the middle of the road sometimes just get's you run over.
So what do we do? I guess nothing. Dodge traffic? Keep my mouth shut? Seethe in silence?

Breastfeeding

Well, we've been struggling a lot. Nursing started out fine, but after the first full day and night of Aliyah wanting to stay latched on 24/7 I asked my midwife for advice. She said to get a pacifier and give that to her when she just wants to suck.The next day (after using the pacifier) she refused to nurse on one side. I have one fab. nipple and one wonky one and she was not interested in the weird one. No dice.So I call a lactation consultant. She comes over and watches me try to nurse Aliyah on the left side and gives me a nipple shield. Okay, great. Now she's nursing on that side, but she refused to get on the right side as well now without the shield. Grr. On top of that, weight was still dropping.So we started pumping. I got on herbal supplements and kept nursing and pumping. Weight kept dropping. We got formula to supplement so we were doing expressed breastmilk and formula with an SNS. Weight still kept dropping.We get her off the shield and I started waking her up every 2 hours to nurse. Weight still kept dropping. At our last weight check Aliyah was 8 lbs 8.5 oz down from her 10 lb 1 oz birth weight. So now we're on special weight gain formula, I'm still pumping and nursing and every second she's awake I'm trying to get her to eat. So fun.Anyways, keep your fingers crossed for us. The LC said she was impressed that I was still keeping with breastfeeding. I'm impressed too. It's crappy that it's so hard. I hate using stupid formula and I hate watching her weight drop. It pisses me off because my biggest regret with Ziva was not nursing her. On the plus side, I now feel a lot less guilty about not nursing Ziva because I now know that the challenges were not because I slacked off, but we're more likely all the stuff I'm dealing with in regarts to milk production, my reduction surgery and the like. I can at least stop beating myself up over it.Bluh. There it is.

Baby News

I'll get around to writing out the full birth story at some point, but here's the Reader's Digest version...Aliyah Kirabo Bond was born 1/12/2009 at 11:45 pm. We had her at home unassisted in the water. Malachi caught her. It was perfect! She weighed 10 pounds and 1 ounce (just like Ziva!) and was 22 1/2 inches long. Breastfeeding is going well! She's a sucking fiend, so I'm expecting my milk to come in soon. We'll post pics within the next week or so.

The True Thinker

"There is none so blind as he who will not see."
The True Thinker is not content proving what he believes to be true. He is not satisfied with cliches nor is he pacified by traditional practices or accepted beliefs. The True Thinker must see it for himself.
This is not a skeptic, nor is he a heretic. This is not a person who has no faith, but a person who understands the difference between faith and ignorance; between faith and foolishness. This is a man who believes in Logic, Reason and Truth and he will not settle for any less.
Logic is that which binds facts together. "If this, then that." The man who says, "Take it on faith!" spits in the face of Logic, and therefore the face of the True Thinker. If a man can logically prove that 1+1=2, he ought also be able to prove that 2-1=1. To say that 2-1 is anything else is to deny Logic. And to esteem illogical thought as pious or faithful is foolish and ignorant. This is not the way of the True Thinker.
Reason is that which bring order to chaos. It is the belief that there are causes and effects; actions and reactions. To believe that man is swirling about in a sea of meaninglessness or to suggest that things are simply because they are deny Reason. A lack of Reason leads to a lack of order. A lack of order leads to anarchy, subjectivity and immorality. The pursuit of Reason leads to Logic and Logic to Reason.
Truth is the Immovable Stone. It is the thread that connects all people together at the core of their being. It is the foundation of Logic and Reason and the prize of the True Thinker. Truth is not something that varies from person to person. To say such denies the very essence of Truth. Truth is not true because it seems to work. It is not acceptable because if fits our agenda. It is not something that changes with the seasons, can be modernized, amended, altered, abolished or ignored. If it can, it is not Truth. It may be tradition, theory, interpretation, standard practice, belief or understanding, but it is not Truth.
The True Thinkers in this world are few and far between. He will not be comfortable in many places that the rest of mankind may be at ease. You may have to leave your churches, your schools, your clubs and your markets to find him, as those are not places that stimulate him. When you meet a True Thinker, you may identify him this way: He will feel free to question everything. He will not show partiality to tradition or accepted thinking. He will not be persuaded by authorities unless they are armed with Logic, Reason and Truth. If you are not a True Thinker, this will make you uncomfortable.
You will try to challenge him. You will show him a passage in a book and he will question it's validity. You will show him the results of a study and he will question the motives of the conductors. You will say to him, "Take it on faith!" and he will be filled with pity, anger and sadness.
The True Thinker desires to bind facts together. He aims to bring order to chaos. He wants to find the Immovable Stone, to climb to the top of it and to pitch a tent. This is the True Thinker. That is why you will not find him within the walls of your cities. This is why he will not be able to rest while the rest of the world rests. He is on a mission that cannot wait until spring. It cannot wait even until morning.
Are you the True Thinker? If not, have you found him?

Awesome!

I'm very happy to report that we are expecting a new baby! I'm due 1/7/09. More to come as this story unfolds!

Miscarriage

On January 24th Malachi and I conceived a child. On February 5th the pregnancy ended in miscarriage.
I would appreciate prayers and positive vibes right now.

Conversion

This is a religious rant... I know most of you don't share my religious beliefs, so don't feel obligated to respond. I'm not trying to debate Christianity or anything else, but just to get this off my chest. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm really struggling over the issue of conversion. Well, I'm not really struggling- I've got an opinion already. However, I feel the need to struggle with it and I've decided to let Malachi (who is by for the more religious and more levelheaded of the two of us) decide what our family does. For those unfamiliar with this issue as it relates to Messianic Judaism (or with Messianic Judaism in general) here's a quick overview:
Messianic Judaism is basically made up of three different factions- Messianic Jewry, One Law Messianics and Two House Messianics.
Messianic Jewry is exactly what it sounds like- Jews who believe that Yeshua is the Messiah. They still practive Judaism just like all other religious Jews. Like mainstream Judaism, they believe that Judaism (Torah obserance, holy days, etc.) is for Jews and don't really attempt to encourage gentiles to participate. They follow the rabbinical halacha, just as any other Jew would.
One Law Messianics are those who believe that anyone who follows Yeshua (Jesus) ought to be Torah observant (although most seasoned believers don't try to push that on other people). This is regardless of ethnicity or anything else. Usually this group has respect for traditional Judaism and rabbinical authority, however they may or may not adhere to traditions or oral torah.
Two House Messianics believe that the Christian church is primarily made up of the lost tribes of Israel. Therefore because most Christians are Israelites, they should be Torah observant. By and large this group is also anti-rabbinical/anti-Judaism and leans toward a Karaite perspective. They are largely made up of ex-Pentecostal Christians (which is evident if you talk to them).
Malachi and I are One Law. We also adhere to the rabbinical authority. Our preference for practice is basically identical to Conservative Judaism. We have had no luck finding a congreagtion that is One Law and practices Judaism. We're been to over 20 congregations and there's nothing worthwhile for us anywhere. The place we've been going is full of very nice people but they're forcefully Two House and purposely want to stick it to Judaism by rabbi-trashing, casuallly using The Name and by intentionally breaking halachich rules because they believe they can.
So Malachi and I went congregation hunting. We found a lot of other blah places and finally a gem- a synagogue, staffed by a rabbi, where they use the Artscroll siddur, speak Hebrew and *gasp* uphold halacha! We were thrilled. However, they're not of the belief that everyone ought to keep Torah. Well, at first we just let it go and kept living how we felt was right for us, but then we had Ziva. Now we have a problem, because although we are as observant as any Jew in the synagogue we aren't Jews, which will mean Ziva won't get a bat mitzah and neither will any of our other future kids. That's not okay by me. If my kids are Torah observant and living religious lives, they shouldn't get shafted from bar or bat mitzvahs.
So the rabbi suggests we convert. Convert to what exactly? Well, Messianic Judaism, if you can believe that. Hmm... I thought we were practicing Messianic Judaism already. Well, we are, but we aren't Messianic Jews (of course) we're gentiles.
Their positon is that gentiles just have to be Christians and Jews have to be Messianic and Torah observant. So Ziva can't be a daughter of the commandments because, well, she doesn't have any commandments to fulfill. It really pisses me off.
I get Judaism's purpose in doing this. It's a halachich stanndard designed to protect the faith and the people. However, the NT seems pretty clear that there is no "Jew or gentile" and that the wall of partition is broken down.
Here's my deal- in the Tanakh where conversion pushers get their ammo, there was no option but to convert. The Hebrews had the Torah and monotheism and if you wanted on board you had pack up and move with them. You couldn't just say a prayer and sign up for the newsletter. Either you were Israel (and thereby a covenant member) or you weren't. And being Israel meant being religious and Torah observant. You wouldn't have some immigrant strolling down the street with a cart selling tamales. There wouldn't be some schulb doing animals and whatnot in the middle of everything. You obey, you leave or you die. Welcome to a theocracy.
Today, there is no Israeli theocracy. There are more secular Jews than religious ones and Messianic Jewry is at most 5-10% of the total. Being a Jew no more means being Torah obserant than being a gentile means being a pagan. Sure, there are cases, but you can no longer have that expectation of the masses. So why do I have to become a Jew? What am I proving and to whom? And why is it that a secular Jew could bounce into the shul at age 12 and get religious and get a bar mitzvah the following year, but my daughter who will have been practicing Judaism since birth will get robbed of a bat mitzvah (should she choose to continue in it as an adult)? Ethnicity no longer means anything.
So what am I doing with a conversion? Am I converting so I can do Torah? No. I'm already doing Torah. Am I converting so I can follow Yeshua? No. The NT plainly states that gentiles are welcome to folow him. Am I converting so I will be accepted into Judaism? HAHAHAHA. No. So why am I converting? So my SYNAGOGUE will accept my kids. I am converting so Ziva can proudly get up at age 12 and become a daughter of the commandments. So my kids won't have to sit in the shul watching everyone else get bar and bat mitzahs and get jack shit. Apparently, my synagogue has higher standards than G-d.
You know, it would make sense if I believed that gentiles got to skate past the Torah. It would make sense if I were moving to Israel. But like this? No way. It would be like me applying for French citizenship. Am I moving to France? No. But I want to be able to eat French food, celebrate Bastile Day and shower less. Well here's a blessing- you can do that without being a French citizen, so why would you give up your current citizenship for nothing?
On top of the fact that I don't have to, I believe thant gentiles have a role in the kingdom. Wouldn't I be forfeiting my role by converting?
Anyway, I'm pissed off about this whole thing. If we gentiles aren't good enough we shouldn't be allowed to participate in anything else. If we're good enough to come every week, to celebrate the holy days, to study with, etc. why are we cut out of this thing? It's crap. They should've check our ethnicities at the door and escorted us out from the start.
And meanwhile Madonna celebrated Rosh Hashanah in Israel with Shimon Peres.
And the 10 days of Awe are upon us and I'm so damn mad I don't want to go back to the synagogue.
"For Your Name signifies Your praise: hard to anger and easy to appease, for You do not wish the death of one deserving death, but that he repent from his way and live. Until the day of his death You await him; if he repents You will accept him immediately.
"It is true that You are their Creator and You know their inclination, for they are flesh and blood. A man's origin is from dust and his destiny is back to dust, at risk of his life he earns his bread; he is likened to a broken shard, withering grass, a fading flower, a passing shade, a dissipating cloud, a blowing wind, flying dust, and a fleeting dream.
"But You are the King, the Living and Enduring G-d."There is no set span to Your years and there is no end to the length of Your days. It is impossible to estimate the angelic chariots of Your glory and to elucidate Your Name's inscrutability. Your Name is worthy of You and You are worthy of Your Name, and You have included Your Name in our name.

Another Blog About Ziva

Ziva's almost 11 weeks old now. In some ways I can't believe she's more than 2 months old, but in other ways it feels like we've had her forever. She's 16 pounds now, and 25 inches long. She's wearing 3-6 and 6-9 month clothes now. She's a beast. She's got the fattest thighs, cheeks and chin(s) ever, but in actuality, she's pretty much solid. She's not like some Maury Show obese baby, but she's pretty muscular and stocky. It looks like she inherited my bulky build. Hopefully, she didn't inherit my lazy metabolism...
Nursing is a wash, but I'm trying to keep my supply up so we can ditch the formula (by and large) and exclusively pump. A very generous mom from MDC is giving me an electric pump, so that will make life easier. I'm bummed about it, but I'm kind of tired of feeling like crap over it, so I'm trying to get used to doing the next best thing. We did have some (extreeeeeemely) mild success t getting her to try the breast shield again, but I'm keeping my expectations dirt low, so I don't get disappointed of ticked off if she doesn't ever want to nurse.
We FINALLY started cloth diapering. I've been feeling guilty about not doing that, especially when she got BAD diaper rash a couple of weeks ago. I don't know how I'm going to keep up with laundry, but I guess we'll figure it out. She looks adorable in cloth diapers.
My sister Hannah (aka Moriah) came to visit for a week. We had a good time. She helped out a lot with Ziva and even slept with her last night... Mal and I had forgotten what it feels like to sleep through the night and without a nightlight! It was amazing. Also, since Mal and Ziva both sleep on their backs with their arms and legs all over the place I usually have to squish into a little strip of bed with one leg, one arm and one butt cheeks hanging off. Last night I slept on my stomach with ALL OF MY BODY on the bed. It felt heavenly.
Ayways, "she's still Hannah," as Malachi put it, but I think she'll do alright. She's 18 and in a lot of ways, still acts like the giddy, scatterbrained, superficial teenager that I've known, but I think she's wanting to do some growing up. She's going to move here in Sept and start school to be a dental assistant. I think living here, paying for her own stuff, working and being thousands of miles from Mom will help her.
So, back to Ziva... She's very happy- always smiling and laughing. And she's very independent. She isn't interested in cuddling anymore () but just wants to be helped to sit up or stand up, or held over the shoulder so she can see everything. Our synagogue has a walker in the nursery and when we put her in it she went nuts. She was so happy and started moving her feet and trying to move. The walker was too heavy for her, so I pushed her whenever she made a walking motion with her feet and she was in heaven.
I credit attachment parenting for some of her independence and happiness, as things seems to be going so well with the techniques we're using. I know everyone does things differently, but this is working out well for us. She a sweet baby and very easy going, and the AP stuff we're doing just seems to make it better. She's loves sleeping with us and being with us. Her face lights up when we interact with her. I can tell she feels loved and safe with us.
She's holding her head up like a pro and getting a lot better at keeping her torso up too. She's grabbing things and putting them in her mouth and making lots of noises. She makes this gurgling "guuuuh" sound all the time- it's her favorite- and lots of little syllables with "ahh" in them.She likes having "conversations" with people where she makes a noise and they repeat it. Loads of fun.
Anyhow, other than being flat broke and exhausted, thigs are going well for us. Hopefully, with Malachi finishing school and externship in 2 months, he'll be making more money and with Moriah moving in, I ought to be ble to work a bit more, so things will get a little less ugly financially.
The end.
K

Boobs, Etc.

I'm borrowing a $500 electric breast pump and I finally got my milk in! I've been seeing a lactation consultant and we've been doing things to trick Ziva into nursing. I've been pumping milk, putting it in a syringe with a long tube and slipping it into her mouth while she nurses since she can't be bothered to try if the milk doesn't come instantly. She is sooooo lazy when it comes to nursing! I rue the day they gave her that bottle. If I had known how tough that would make it I would've asked them to feed her with a dropper or something.
Another trick I learned was to squirt a little sugar water into her mouth, lead her to the breast and then squirt a little on the mipple right before she starts up. She thinks she's getting koolaid, but it's really just milk. I didn't think I'd have to trick her into eating.... I'm glad she's getting off the formula and that I'm at least physically able to nurse, but I'm looking forward to being able to nurse without using all the gimicks!!
Ziva's dropped a little weight since she's not getting her food pumped directly into her body. She's down to about 9 pounds 8 ounces, but the Drs. say she's still healthy and doing fine. She's been having bouts of incessant crying that last anywhere from 5-20 minutes but seem like an eternity. I think she's adjusting to being outside the womb and it's taking time for her to get used to everything. Mal and I can't wait until that period is over with!
She started to become aware of her surroundings a bit. When we lay down together she'll stare at our faces, which is good. She seems to be doing well!
I am totally exhausted, however. I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night since she's been here and now that she's gotten fissy in the evenings, I don't get to nap with her then either. Malachi goes back to work Monday... I don't know how I'm going to manage her alone. It's very overwhelming. Blah.
Well, we've been taking more pics all week. I'll try to post some soon, since Malachi is on baby duty for a bit!
Kristi

Birth Story and Update

Malachi and I welcomed our daughter Ziva at 11:15pm April 27th! She was 4 FULL WEEKS past her due date! Ziva was 10 pounds, 1 ounch and 21 inches long. Her head was a whopping 13 3/4 around!I started having regular contrax at midnight on Thursday. I was up all night with them. Friday morning I had some serious bloody show and the contrax got stronger and longer. By the time DH got home at about 4 they were getting painful. I labored all over the house for several hours and finally at about 8:30 pm my waters started to leak and finaly broke. My body started pushing at about 9 pm but the contrax died down and I had a hard time pushing Ziva out. The back labor got to be so bad that I felt completely drained. Ziva's head crowned at around 10:45 but with no contrax and after more than 20 hours of labor I couldn't get her out. Malachi called 911 and the operator coached us. He had me get on my back and put his hands around Ziva's head to help her out. The paramedics arrived at about 11:05 and held my legs open and yelled for me to push. I could feel myself tearing and by now I was screaming like a banshee. Ziva finally came out all in one big push. She wasn't breathing well at first and the paramedics gave her oxygen. They immediately cut her cord, which I wasn't pleased about and started pushing on my tummy to get the placenta out. That sucked, but I delivered the placenta a few minutes later. We went to the hospital and Ziva was in perfect shape. I however have a 4th degree tear. The doctor said it looke dlike a bomb went off in my vagina. I had surgery and they kept us overnight.Malachi was amazing! He was wonderful! He rubbed my back through ALL the labor and was really encouraging. He wiped my butt when I pooed during labor and came home and cleaned everything up when it was over. For someone who was initially nervous about birthing at home he was fabulous! Even though we ended up at the hospital, it was a great experience. We had our homebirth and when emergency arose we were able to get help quickly. In my mind, it worked out exactly as it was designed to. The paramedics were quick and efficient and although I didn't like that they cut the cord, forced the placenta out or kept Ziva away from me until we got in the ambulence- plus one of them had the nerve to say "Home delivery is for pizza only. Next time go to a hospital.," -they get helped me find the strength to birth Ziva and gave her the help she needed after the birth.
Ziva and I are now working on nursing. She was given formula from a bottle at the hospital and now she's too lazy latch on a draw the milk out from the breast. We're seeing a lactaction consultant and trying to come up with ways to coax her into latching on and staying put.
She's sleeping well- she's only up 2-3 times during the night for attention and feedings. She's got a great personality and is easy to calm down when she gets agitated.
Maachi is great with her. She falls asleep right away when he holds her. I'm sure they're going to have a great relationship as time goes on. He'll be a wonderful father and I know she's going to be crazy about him.
I guess that's it in a nutshell. I'll try and get some more pics up soon and to post quasi-regular updates!
Kristi

Baby Blog Collection

I haven't really been keeping a pregnancy journal or anything but I have been blogging/posting a bit at the MDC forum about trying to conceive, pregnancy and birth. I'm going to lump all of the good blogs/posts together so you all can enjoy and I can show this kid if s/he ever comes out...
4/3/06
I'm 24 and ttc #1. We've only been trying for a few months, but I've wanted children forever. I'm hoping to conceive soon so that we can have a baby by early 2007!
8/19/06
DH and I have been ttc for about 8.5 months. I've never been more than a day or two late on my periods, and about a month ago I just gave up. I stopped charting, checking fluids or hpting. This past week however, I started to feel a little crampy. This is typical the day before my period. Oddly enough, the cramps continued for a couple days with no period. I hadn't been keeping track of my cycle, so I'm not sure when I should have started, but my friend and I have the same cycle, and she just said goodbye to my period yesterday. I took a hpt three days ago and saw the faintest of faint lines indicating that I was pregnant. However, the line was so faint, I wasn't sure. I went to a pregnancy center for a test, but the woman who did it, only waited 30 seconds and then sent me home telling me it was negative. She told me the test could take 5 minutes to read! I took another hpt (same brand as before) today and got the same uberfaint line. Should I assume I'm pregnant? Should I retest with a different brand? Its driving me crazy!
8/20/07
I'm Pregnant!!!!!
9/15/06
I'm not doing anything different, except trying to cut back on the junk food and caffeine and drinking more water--- which I should have been doing before hand. I weigh myself occasionally and I suppose once I get to 20ish weeks I might by a fetoscope to see if I can hear a heartbeat. I've haven't done anything though yet. I don't even know how far along I am, or when exactly I'm due. Oh well. It keeps the stress at a minimum.
10/15/06
I'm planning on a homebirth, but if neccessary I'm prepared to go to a hospital. I'm going UC and thinking maybe a waterbirth? We'll see.So far, I'm not actually liking pregnancy. I've been sick non-stop, crabby, tired and blah. My uterus is growing and pushing other stuff around, but so far I don't look pregnant- just fatter. I'm just in the 2nd trimester, so I'm looking forward to these next few months!Dh and I had been ttc for many months. I was charting and temping and fluid-checking and all that. I finally gave up and decided I wasn't meant to get pg at that time. Well, that month I conceived. I was late and I resisted hptesting because I had been doing it every month and being disappointed, but I finally gave in. There was an itsy bitsy line, but I wasn't sure if it was a bfp or an evap line. I told DH we MIGHT be pregnant. (He had heard that one before.) I hpted again- same result and wen't to a clinic where the girl resolutely told me I was NOT pg. I went an bought an expensive early detection test and sure enough it was a lovely blue line. I wanted to test with the first morning urine and that morning I woke up at 3 am. So when I got the result I turned on the bedroom light and said look and shoved the stick in dh's face. He was like "What is that?" and I said we're pregnant! It was funny. He went right back to sleep but was really excited when he woke up in the morning.
10/16/06
For a girl we're planning on Ziva Inari. Ziva means brilliance in Hebrew and Inari means successful one in Japanese. For a boy we're going with Jaden Bryce. Jaden means God hears in Hebrew and Bryce means alert.. I don't remember the origin of that one though.I work as a counselor for a group home. I'm moving to WA in a couple days though and I'll be looking for work. I'm not sure what I'll find. I work about 20-30 hours a week now and I'm hoping to keep it at 20 once the baby is born. Ultimately I'd like to be a stay at home mom.
10/16/06
I do plan to CD. I've already add some to my registry! Lol.We're not going to do a lotus birth, but I do plan to wait quite a while to cut the cord. Dh is new to all this so if I'm easing him in bit by bit. I talked to him about a lotus birth and he was shocked. He had no idea people could do that. He scared that the placenta will smell and all that, so we'll pass on it this time. I'm not planning on having an ultrasound unless there is a problem that arises. We want to be surprised, so even if we do have one I don't think we'll ask to know the sex.
10/17/06
I can't wait to do all the stuff that comes with this- birth, teaching the child to walk, talk, read, cook, clean, grow up, drive- everything. I can't wait for the first steps, words, teeth, holidays, dates, kisses and sleepovers. I'm looking forward to the awe and wonder that a child has for the little things adults forget to be amazed by- animals, snow, sunsets, rain, silly songs, making cookies and riding a bike.I'm also worried that I'll fail somehow in my duties. I worry that I won't teach them everything they need to know, I won't explain my values or beliefs well enough, I won't discipline effectively, I won't give them enough space or I'll geive them too much. I'm worried that my kids won't like me, respect me, trust me, listen to me, talk to me, miss me when they go or want to leave at all. There is so much to do as a parent, and while I know so much of it just comes and goes without a thought, its a big change and a lot of things to think about now.I think my hormones are kicking in...
11/17/06
All I've heard is "Look how much weight you've put on!" "Be careful that you don't put on too much more weight." "Pregancy is harder if you put on too much weight."I'd kill for someone to assume I was pregnant. What's worse is that I haven't put on more than 5 or 10 pounds. All my inards are just sitting above my bellybutton making me look obese. *cry cry*
1/3/07
Well, in my own defense I found out that my baby is breech. The big fat head is making myelook obese by sitting above my bellybutton, while down near the bottom of my uterus, where I'm supposed to be big I've got nothing but a couple scrawny legs... Thanks a lot baby... If it's a boy I'm dressing him in pink for this...
1/5/07
I can't feel my baby moving. S/he is breech (and has been the whole time) and rarely even turns over in there. I thought at this stage I would be feeling him/her and have that connection, but I don't feel any movement and forget I'm pregnant half the time. That sucks.Health wise everything is fine. My morning sickness lasted for 5 months (which I was not expecting!) and I didn't gain much weight at all (which I also was not expecting!) I'm peeing a lot, which I planned for and sleeping a lot too. I'm totally in a nesting phase- baking and cleaning and shopping for baby stuff. It's cool. I can't wait to meet the baby though and I'm actually looking forward to experiencing birth in all its pain and pleasure.
3/9/07 (21 days pre-due date)
So midwife talked me into getting an ultrasound. I have resisted thus far, but she gave me no options. She said my stomach has such good muscle tone that she couldn't tell the position of the baby (breech or not). Since s/he's been breech for most of the time she was concerned. She tried sticking her fingers in, but the baby is still floating so that was no help.I had to go get the d*** u/s or she'd stop seeing me and refer me to a DR to get a c-section. Now, little does she know, but I'm not planning on calling her to the birth. I'm only seeing her now to make DH feel better.Anyhow, the u/s showed my baby is head down. I'm very glad, as I was having mixed feelings about forcing him/her to turn.The end.
3/13/07 (17 days pre-due date)
I'll try to make this brief:I'm 8.5 month pregnant with #1. I was doing a UP up until the en of the 6th month when I began seeing a midwife. I plan to UC, but possibly call the midwife after everything's over so she can check us out and get me a birth certificate. Everything's been great with the midwife up until now. She has been fine with me refusing to take certain tests, she's relatively AP, anti-vax and okay with minimal intereference. She also respects my religious beliefs and is willing to accommodate all my little oddities.So last week she said she couldn't feel if the baby was breech or not from the outside because of my "well-toned" stomach muscles.. I find this funny, since I'm fat and out of shape, but there it is. She tried to stick her finger in there but as I told her, the baby hasn't dropped and lo and behold she couldn't even touch the cervix. So she talked me into going in for a u/s which I had never had and feel VERY guilty about.This week I met with her assistant (they rotate weekly clinicals every week). She also couldn't tell the position of the baby externally either so she put her hand in there. She was so forceful that now, 2 hours later I still feel sore, but she couldn't reach it either. I told her that the baby hadn't dropped, and I know what it feels like when the baby flips and there had been no flipping in the past week. She told me to get another u/s which I refused. She said that I need to get a u/s every week until I have the baby so they can make sure the baby isn't breech.I can refuse, but she's so pushy about it it makes me angry. I'll have to see her very other week, which I do not want to do. I'm not going to have a weekly u/s. I'm not going to let the midwives shove their hands up into my body for no reason. I will know if the baby flips and from what I've read by week 38 (now) there is very little room for flipping anyways.I didn't plan to have either of them at the birth anyways, and now that I've had all the tests I plan to take and I know I'm healthy (good BP, not amenic, no diabetes, GBS-, etc.) I might just kiss them all goodbye. I love MY midwife, but I'm not going to cater to a bunch of stupid procedures and I don't want to deal with the other midwife. Should I just come in every other week so I don't have to see the midwife I don't like and keep refusing the tests, or should I just call it quits?
3/21/07 (9 days pre-due date)
My midwife can almost reach my cervix internally. Not comfortable, but at least now she can tell that the baby is head down without trying to send me in for u/s which I've been resisting. She says there is a chance the baby could go back to breech, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.My measurments have been right on par for the week all the way through, but now it looks like I'm measuring about 36 cm. I don't know what this means, but it's kinda weird. Hmm..No one is expecting me to have the baby until the first week of April (cry cry) but I'm reeeeeeally hoping the baby hurries up and gets outta there! I guess when they did my one evil u/s that's what it looked like. They put my EDD at April 6th by their measurents. We'll see though. Keep your fingers crossed that it happens a little sooner, as I'm getting reeeeally uncomfortable and sick of being pregnant! I want to meet my baby!!!
3/23/07 (7 days pre-due date)
I've been having some veeeeery mild BH contrax these past few days. Also, the baby is really running out of room and not happy about it!My maternity leave has now begun. I have 6 weeks. I really hope the baby isn't too late, as I don't want to sit around preggo the whole time! Hopefully I'll only be working 2-3 days a week for about 10-15 hours, so even once I go back it won't be too bad.I think I'm going to try some EPO and maybe nipple stimulation. I've heard those can help labor hurry up if my body's already thinking about it. I feel bad for baby because I feel him/her trying to get comfy in there but it takes forever since it's such a tight space. Plus, I think s/he wants to get back in breech but can't turn MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!I'd love to get this baby outta me now...
3/27/07 (3 days pre-due date)
You probably are getting tired of my boring updates, since nothing's really happening, but I figure I can use this for some pregnancy memories later.I had my midwife appt. today. They tried to make me go get an u/s but I refused. I met with the midwife I don't care for, but I guess the other midwife told her not to try sticking her hands or anything else in me, so that was good.I'm measuring at 36 inches and I still have a ton of movement. I've been having some super mild BH contrax and the creepy feeling that something is sinking down behind my pelvic bone. It's great. I'm so anxious, but okay with being late. My mom is hoping I have the baby on her birthday- 4/4. I'm staying positive about the timing and trying to remember that the baby will come out as soon as s/he's ready. I'm trying to enjoy 9-10 hours of uninterupted sleep at night and being able to watch 2 tv shows in a row if I feel like it.
3/27/07 (3 days pre-due date)
I'm 39w 4d and going nuts! I'm trying to enjoy being childless while it lasts, but I've been trying to have a baby for so long I can't hardly bear it. I want this baby outta me now!My midwife if predicting a 41+w birth... I think I may go insane.
3/31/07 (1 day post-due date)
So here's another uneventful update...The baby is reeeally low now... I think in the perfect position to get out of me! I'm not effaced or dillated or anything, but I have been having some mini-contrax of the BH variety. They're getting more frequent now.Also... this will sound weird but, does the baby push him/herself out using their feet? I keep feeling the baby pushing his/her feet super hard into my belly and then I feel the cervix stretching out as the head goes further down. Am I nuts?
4/5/07 (6 days post-due date)
So, I'm 40W6D today. I'm sick of not knowing what's going on. I don't know what these sensations I'm feeling are. Maybe contrax, maybe nothing at all. It's frustrating!My midwife is trying to talk my into getting my membranes stripped net week. I don't know how I feel about that. She's also preparing me to lie to the Drs. if and when I hit 42 weeks and I "have" to go in for a stress test and/or induction. I'll fake my own death and vanish into the mountains before I do in for any of those idiodic tests. Blah. My midwife is also trying to prepare me for the chance that I might not be able to get the baby out how I want to. She's afraid that in a pool she won't be able to get her hands in there... She thinks she's going to have the chance. She's also predicting that since I'm not singing with delight everytime she tries to shove her hands up into my cervix that I might not be able psychologically to open my legs and let the baby come out, which will injure him/her. Of course this all had to be said while DH is in the room (the 2nd time he's gone to one of my appts.) and now he's panicking again. She thinks she'll have to get me out of the tub and onto the bed and they'll all have to force my legs open to let the baby out dso I don't kill him/her. Great. Thanks for the image.I think if anything, all my discomfort stems from foreign objects and people entering in my body when they don't belong there. I can't imagine any reason that I won't be able to let my body work and produce a baby when the time is right if I don't have people hovering around, freaking me out and putting things in my vagina. Blah. Very frustrating.Next time I WILL NOT go to a midwife regularly. If anything I'll go in, get the test I want done and then vanish. The whole reason I wanted a midwife as opposed to a Dr. was so that I could avoid pressure, guilt and fear. I should have listened to my instincts at the begining and just continued my UP. Thank G-d I did it myself for the first 7 months or who knows what I wouldn've been talked into. I've already had a u/s, internal cervical checking- neither of which I wanted. Grrr...Well, I'm trying to be positive and just hoping this baby comes before my appt. is scheduled next week. If not, I might just "forget to go" so I don't have to be pressured about the membrane stripping. I'm just not sure anymore. A part of me feel like I've been pushed further than I wanted to go anyways, so I might as well let her do it, but another part of me is standing by my long-time belief that babies will come when they're ready. I don't know...
4/9/07 (10 days post-due date)
I think I've decided to forgo the membrane stripping. I know a lot of women stand by it, but I've always advocated waiting it out and letting the baby come when it's ready. I've pushed the limits with this by trying to use sex and activity to coax him/her out, but I just can't feel good about messing around in my uterus.Today is 41W3D with still no sign of labor. I'm trying to be patient and positive!
4/10/07 (11 days post-due date)
I'm now 41W4D. It's been a blessing in disguise because DH and I were able to get through Passover/Unleavened Breads without having the baby. He had a couple of days off and we got to spend some quality time together (which is a miracle since he works and ges to school full time and we NEVER see each other). Plus, another Messianic friend was lamenting about how she was born during unleavened breads and thereofr never gets a decent birthday cake. I hadn't thought about that, but I suppose that's a good point too!Also, our icky roommate moved out, which has put some financial stress on us, but has taken a ton of emotional stress off of us and I welcome that wholeheartedly. DH and I finally feel like we can be at peace in our home and view it as a spiritual refuge instead of a tense prison.I forgot to go to my midwife appt today... Seriously, I did. It's the first one I've missed. I think my subconscious chose to block it out because I didn't want to deal with them trying to pressure me into stripping my membranes. I've been wrestling with it all week. I didn't (and still don't) want to do it, but the impatience and pressure were tempting me seriously! I'm happy with my decision.I've been having more consistent cramp-feeling contrax (I hope!). They're just right down in the pubic area still, but I feel lots of them everyday, so I'm hoping the time is approaching. Also, the little one keeps scooting further down. I don't know if I'm dilated at all, but I've been feeling things stretching out down there for a couple of days now, so I hope that means dilation is in the near future.Thanks for the support. This thread has actually really helped me sort out my feelings and maintain some sense of perspective!
4/12/07 (13 days post-due date)
Is it normal to want to go into hiding because I'm tired of people saying, "Still pregnant!" and asking when "they" are going to induce me???
4/13/07 (14 days post-due date)
Keep you fingers crossed for me today. Against my better judgment I've agreed to go take a non-stress test. Supposedly the people who will be doing the test aren't as nervous and pushy with 42-weekers as some places, but my midwife told me to lie and tell them I might only be 41 weeks just in case. I'm already preparing to defend and refuse everything they say, but I'm kind of wondering why I agreed to go. Hopefully DH will be able to get off work and come with and he can help me keep my resolve...
4/14/07 (15 days post-due date)
So, I'm mad...I had my non-stress test and everything was great. The baby's fine and I'm fine. However, I had to drive an hour and a half to get to the only doctor who is willing to "let me" continue without induction. She told me that I have to continue driving out there EVERY OTHER DAY for these stupid 2-3 hour tests. I called my midwife's office and they told me that if I refuse I can't see the midwives anymore.WHAT A BUNCH OF BS!!! What kind of sense does that make??? How do I suddenly go from no-risk, totally healthy to high risk and losing my midwives over the period of one day??? What could possibly happen that would make me and the baby go from "doing great" to dangerous in three days? I'm obviously planning a UC anyways, but DH and I agreed to have a midwife that we could call if we had a question or if there was a situation we couldn't handle. Now I feel like I'm letting him down by refusing to cave in to their demands. And to top it off, all the joy and pleasure I had during the end of my pregnancy is gone. All I can do is be mad that I'm still pregnant because its complicating everything. Next time I'm going to do my UP the whole way thru. This is totally ruining the last few weeks of my pregnancyThe US sucks. I wish there was someone I could tell who would come and straighten everything out.
4/16/07 (17 days post-due date)
More of my never-ending midwife saga...I'm now officially on my own. My midwife told me that either I get the tests or they're done with me. I told her I wasn't going to get the tests and that (gasp) I was going to have a UC with my husband and I was fine with that. She was nervous about that and tried to talk me out of it, but as I told her, if driving an hour and a half every other day is my only option and it's NOT an option, what else am I supposed to do? She didn't really have an answer for me, but was really worried about my choice. She is the most natural midwife in western WA, so of course I can't just go elsewhere and I don't think she's had a patient who found her to be too "medical" for their tastes. ANyways, DH is supporting my choice, but I know he's scared out of his mind. I told him that I'll do the fetal movement monitoring this week and if nothing's happening by Friday (assuming all else is well) I'll start castor oil. If that hasn't started the ball rolling by the end of the weekend I'll think about going to a doctor. I'm REEEEEEALLY hoping that this baby shows up before that! I don't want to give up my dream birth, but I think that three weeks late is a little much.Now I'm just struggling with my feelings of guilt and failure. If I have to go to a doctor and give up my birth plans I don't know how I'll feel. I'll feel like a fraud and like I let my baby down. I understand how soe of the other mamas who've gone thru a similar experience feel now. I hope everything works out, but either way I just want a healthy baby.

Ranting and Raving Mad

So here's my sad story:Malachi and I have a roommate who has the 2nd bedroom in our apt. All three of us are on the lease.I'm planning a homebirth and am due within the next couple of weeks, so Mal knocked on her door to ask her if she and her boyfriend were going to be around during my due date. She says, "Well, actually, we're getting married in about two weeks, so I'll be moving out."So we now have 2 weeks to move out (as we can't afford the rent on our own) and Mal has work/school 60 hours a week and I'm 8.5 months pregnant. Plus, there's a $500 fee for breaking our lease and some huge fees for leaving without giving 30 days notice. And I know she won't pay any of those fees, which means Mal and I will have to even though we don't have any extra. Plus, now that we'll be roommateless we'll have more expenses and I'll have to cut my maternity leave short and go back to work asap to cover our expenses. I'm so angry and frustrated I could cry. I don't want to move 8.5 months pregnant and be living out of boxes when I have the baby. I don't want to put my baby in day care and have to go back to work. I don't want to be stressed out this far into my pregnancy. Why can't anything just go the way its supposed to? Why are people willing to screw you over and leave you in a hopeless situation without a care in the world? How come even though I do what I can to help other people out I'm always theone getting kicked back and dicked over? Why does it feel like even when I do things right and try to make wise decisions everything blows up in my face? What do I have to do? Be a bitch? Be lazy, quit work and sit on welfare? Take advantage of people? What do I have to do to have some stability and peace? What do I have to compromise? My integrity? My faith? My morals? What do you people want from me???

Pissing and Moaning About Work... I Know- Already??

Its so frustrating to me that we Americans have to have our butts kissed everytime we go out. In other non-Western countries if you need something you just go out and buy it. You don't ask a bunch of questions, you don't complain about the condition of the store, you don't expect people to be smiley and accommodating. You just get your crap and go home. Even if you did wish the service was better or whatever, you knew (as did the store) that you didn't have any other options, so you suck it up and you move on.
Here in America we have to be coddled and supported throughout our shopping trips. If the lights are too dim or too bright, or the employees bother us too much or ignore us, or if we don't like the price, the selection, the store hours, the reurn policy, the lines, the music playing or the distance from the parking lot to the door we'll leave and go someplace else.
Now I like to be treated well just as much as the next shopper, but every day I work retail I shake my head in disbelief at the audacity and spoiled rotten behavior I have to put up with. If I'm rushing down the aisle to attend to one whiny "guest" I'll have two others grabbing at my apron strings on the way. It doesn't matter if I'm on the phone, helping someone else or removing my apron and pulling out my keys to leave- people will whine and fuss and expect me to serve them.
Our store policy to to call our customers "guests" and to make them feel welcome and invited into our store. But how many guests would tear up their host's stuff, leave horrible messes and have the nerve to complain about anything after it all?? What guest would let their children run amok knocking things down and causing a commotion? Would you take something off of your host's shelf, lay it out on the floor and then leave it there? Would you pull something that belonged to your host apart and then dump it somewhere else in their house? Would you bring your filthy, nasty rat-dog into your host's house and set it on their furniture? And do you think that if you were repulsive enough to do these things that your host would want you to come back? No. No one save a classless clod would do these things. I wouldn't treat a state park that way. However, all day long people treat customer service worker like this with no clue that they should have a little respect.
Do you think it's easy to smile and pretend to give a crap about everybody and to happily accommodate the most ludicris of requests after you been standing, walking, kneeling, squatting, reaching, climbing, lifting and kissing up to people for 8 effing hours making crap for money and getting no thanks or appreciation for any of it? Do you think anybody working retail really cares if the comforter is for your daughter who just go accepted to UW or if the towels are for the guest room of your new condo? Do you think anybody making 9 bucks an hour to lick people's butts wants to hear you talk about how you need a massager for your back or a pillow for your jaccuzzi or a memory foam mattress topper because you ache after a long day at the office? NO!
The fact of the matter is for most store employees customers are an unwanted nuissance. Sure, somebody at the corporate level wants you to show up and spend your money on the crap we're selling. But for the girl behind the counter, the guy in the freight room out back and the sales rep escorting you from bed skirt to measley bed skirt we really just wish you'd get your crap and get out. We don't make any more or less money if you buy the Egyptian cotton versus the flannel. We don't care which towels or rugs you pick- we just want you to quit unfolding our crap and buy something. Sad, but true.
Here are some instances that really make me mad:
We have every color of every towel in every size displayed for guests to see and touch, yet every effing person has to unfold each and every towel they are considering. And do they fold it and put it back? OF COURSE NOT! They wad it up and dump it in the first open spot they see. Or they drag it around until they find something better and then dump it there. Or they leave it on the floor. They don't care.
This condescending loser asks me to climb a 10 foot ladder to get her a sheet set she can't reach. The offensive part is that there is an identical set sitting in front of her within reach. However she doesn't want that one because it is partially unzipped and she doesn't know if it has all the pieces. So I take it, I open it and I pull out every piece. It's all there. Oh but she still can be made to take that one because it was opened at one point. Jerkoff. Do you not realize that most of our day is spent putting thinkg back into theirbags, wrappers or boxes because people pull stuff out? Newsflash- most the stuff you buy wasprobably pulled out of it's package and dumped on the floor at some point. Deal with it.
The lame, pampered princesses who ask me to hand them this comforter or that rug. They of course can't lift it because they're pregnant. So I pick up the crap and ask them when they're due. "September," they smile. "Oh, congradulations," I smile back. "I'm due in March. You have a nice day now."
People who ask stupid questions should be released through a trap door into a pit of sharks. This guys asks me if I would buy a pair of shams he's holding for sixty dollars, with some sort of cocky, ass-face look. "No," I think to myself. "I work here for a living. If I want sixty-dollar shams I'd have to steal them." Then he goes on to tell me that Bill Gates makes a lot of money but he probably wouldn't buy them. Here's an idea, lame-wipe: DON'T BUY THEM!!!! If you don't want to shell out 60 bucks for bed decorations, what the hell are you doing in Linens N Things? GO AWAY!
Along those same lines, why be surprised when we tell you a comforter set is $249.99 or a sheet set for an extra deep matress is $129.99? Our competitors are Bed, Bath and Beyond, Macy's, JCPenney's and Sears. We do not compete with Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Liquidation World, Goodwill or EBay. If you "don't care about color, style or quality," as one customer told me then why are you here? You won't find 100 thread count cheap sheets here! You won't find $5 dollar crusty towels here! You won't find McCooking products here! If you want cheap stuff go to Wal-Mart! "Oh, I don't shop at places like Wal-Mart," the guest told me...
I'm pregnant. However the customers don't care. They will unroll an 80 pound rug, look at it, leave it, move down the aisle and watch as I whimper and grimace, easing myself down to the floor, leaning over my belly to roll the rug back up and them pull myself back to my feet, holding my stomach, stoop to pick up the rug and struggle to stuff it back into it's place on the shelf. And if it doesn't fit- surprise, surprise!- they will watch as I do it all over again and have the nerve to pull some other crap down or ask me to get a ladder and get something for them. They only words I have for this are profanity. You get the idea though.
Well, I guess that's enough for now, but the next time you're out shopping remember this post and give the store employees a break. Leave the store in no worse condition then when you found it. Treat the employees with the same respect they show you. Say please and thank you if someone is helping you. Chances are they don't want to and it will make them despise you much less. If you aren't satisfied with something tell a manager- not the poor slob unpacking boxes in a random deptartment. Chances are that person will just think you're a bitch and they won't tell anybody or do anything about your problem anyway. A manager hasn't been kissing up all day and they might have it in them to help you. Just be nice. It's not so much to ask.
Thank you and have a nice day.
Kristi

How Could I Have Eaten This Garbage??

Here's another non-personal blog... I promise I'll actually write something sometime soon...
I didn't write this but I am reposting it. Whether you're religious or not, if you eat pork you should be aware of what you're eating. I'm not a Christian and I'm not using this to get on Christians' cases (although the original author I'm sure was)- it's strictly informatonal. If you aren't religious at least consider the nastiness factor...
Kristi
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The pig or is a very popular food item with most Christians. Yet the God they profess to believe in had condemned the eating of swine's flesh. The condemnation was based on some very sound biological principles. Here are some facts on pork that prove it to be a very unhealthy food to eat: A pig is a real garbage gut. It will eat anything including urine, excrement, dirt, decaying animal flesh, maggots, or decaying vegetables. They will even eat the cancerous growths off other pigs or animals. The meat and fat of a pig absorbs toxins like a sponge. Their meat can be 30 times more toxic than beef or venison. When eating beef or venison, it takes 8 to 9 hours to digest the meat so what little toxins are in the meat are slowly put into our system and can be filtered by the liver. But when pork is eaten, it takes only 4 hours to digest the meat. We thus get a much higher level of toxins within a shorter time. Unlike other mammals, a pig does not sweat or perspire. Perspiration is a means by which toxins are removed from the body. Since a pig does not sweat, the toxins remain within its body and in the meat. Pigs and swine are so poisonous that you can hardly kill them with strychnine or other poisons. Farmers will often pen up pigs within a rattlesnake nest because the pigs will eat the snakes, and if bitten they will not be harmed by the venom. When a pig is butchered, worms and insects take to its flesh sooner and faster than to other animal's flesh. In a few days the swine flesh is full of worms. Swine and pigs have over a dozen parasites within them, such as tapeworms, flukes, worms, and trichinae. There is no safe temperature at which pork can be cooked to ensure that all these parasites, their cysts,and eggs will be killed. Pig meat has twice as much fat as beef. A 3 oz T bone steak contains 8.5 grams of fat; a 3 oz pork chop contains 18 grams of fat. A 3 oz beef rib has 11.1 grams of fat; a 3 oz pork spare rib has 23.2 grams of fat. Cows have a complex digestive system, having four stomachs. It thus takes over 24 hours to digest their vegetarian diet causing its food to be purified of toxins. In contrast, the swine's one stomach takes only about 4 hours to digest its foul diet, turning its toxic food into flesh. The swine carries about 30 diseases which can be easily passed to humans. This is why God commanded that we are not even to touch their carcase (Leviticus 11:8). The trichinae worm of the swine is microscopically small, and once ingested can lodge itself in our intestines, muscles, spinal cord or the brain. This results in the disease trichinosis. The symptoms are sometimes lacking, but when present they are mistaken for other diseases, such as typhoid, arthritis, rheumatism, gastritis, MS, meningitis, gall bladder trouble, or acute alcoholism. The pig is so poisonous and filthy, that nature had to prepare him a sewer line or canal running down each leg with an outlet in the bottom of the foot. Out of this hole oozes pus and filth his body cannot pass into its system fast enough. Some of this pus gets into the meat of the pig. There are other reasons grounded in biological facts that could be listed to show why pigs and swine should not be eaten. But a true believer in Yeshua should only need one reason why not to eat this type of food- because God prohibited it. "And the swine, because it divides the hoof, yet does not chew the cud, it is unclean unto you: you shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcase." - Leviticus 11:7,8; Deuteronomy 14:8 Those who say Yeshua abolished the law condemning pork are motivated by their stomach not Scripture. The problems with pork are biological, and Yeshua never changed the laws of biology

Moving?!?!

So, yes, we are moving. I guess I hadn't noticed before but southern CA kinda sucks. Most the friends I had here moved away, changed into people I don't really care for or just don't keep in touch. We don't like any of the congregations out here and it's too hot and too expensive. It's pretty much been an all-American let down, so we're moving on. This month we'll be moving back up to Washington. I'm beyond excited. I love WA. I love the climate, the smell, the nature-loving atmosphere and the congregation I attended while I lived there before. My pastor from WA married Malachi and I and we just love spending time with him and his wife. I'm going to head up in a couple weeks and Malachi will join me at the end of the month.
So that's all. If you live in WA you can come visit me. We will probably be in Everett (where I loved before) because it's cheap. I'll keep you all updated.
Kristi